


Colors of the Wind

by DunWithAllTheseHoes



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Blow Jobs, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Face-Sitting, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Genderfluid Character, Oral Sex, Other, Riding, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 03:15:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18307070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DunWithAllTheseHoes/pseuds/DunWithAllTheseHoes
Summary: A coming out story where Josh is him, and her, and sometimes them.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> I want to state that Josh is gender-fluid in this, meaning throughout the entire thing, the pronouns aren't always going to be the same. Sometimes it's he/him, sometimes it's they/them, and sometimes it's she/her.
> 
> If that makes you uncomfortable, please leave now, I don't want any toxicity where something is supposed to feel safe.
> 
> Josh's character when it comes to their identity is inspired by one of my close friends who is gender-fluid, so if you feel as though it may be inaccurate in some way, just know there is someone I'm close to who experiences these things, as well as my own struggles when it comes to identity. It's different for everyone, definitely, and I hope that's something you can understand.

Josh came to most of Tyler's basketball games, sitting in the back of the bleachers as moral support because they weren't going to push any further. They didn't have anyone to sit with, but it's alright, because they'd much rather focus on their boyfriend, anyways.

They'd often bring a sketch pad to draw on to keep themself busy during the time being, tucked away in the very corner of all the seats. Josh's muse plays in front of them, every second giving another motive to move their hand across paper. Tyler did that to them. Tyler inspired them.

He may not be the team captain, but he's definitely one of the best on the court.

Or maybe Josh is just bias.

His team was winning _6-4_ _,_ and by the time it was over, it was _16-8_ _._

The gym is full of cheering as always. Players run out to their families for praise, and Tyler runs to Josh for the same thing. The latter comes down after tucking the sketches into their messenger bag, meeting Tyler at the bottom of the bleachers. He wraps his arms around their waist, lifting them up from the ground; tight, loving, strong.

"Good job," Josh whispers into the crook of his neck, running their fingers over his shaved head.

"You're our good luck charm." He tells them.

Josh rolls their eyes and gives him a playful slap on the arm once Tyler sets them down. "Shut up."

He shrugs. "It's true."

Josh brushes it off and instead fiddles with the strap of their bag, watching Tyler's teammates walk over to them. They're all smiling ear-to-ear, arms around each other's waists and shoulders. Everyone is also very, very sweaty.

"Joseph!" One of them yells.

Tyler turns around to face them, eyebrows lifted. "What's up?"

"Get change, we're going to Denny's." His name is Dallon. "Matthew's paying."

Tyler purses his lips at the information, body leaning towards Josh as an indication to everyone. Dallon seems to understand, looking down at them before back to Tyler. "Josh too. Come on."

"Uh, yeah. Okay. Meet you there." He doesn't have to ask which Denny's because they always go to the same one every time after winning. A celebration between the team and their family, friends, and lovers. It's nice. Needed.

Once everyone walks away and the gym starts to clear out, Tyler looks down at Josh's wrist momentarily to see a green bandana around it. Confirmation. He pulls them close and rests his head onto their shoulder, huffing, letting loose. He doesn't hold them like Josh does, he lets his arms dangle.

He's exhausted.

"That's okay, right?" Tyler mutters. "Going to Denny's."

Josh nods, pecking his cheek. "Free food is always alright with me."

Tyler chuckles. He stands up straight again, grabbing their hand. "I have to shower, I'm not going drenched in sweat."

"Can I come?" Josh smiles a little.

So does Tyler. He nods, leading them into the locker room and sitting them down on one of the benches beside the showers once he grabs a towel. Really, Josh shouldn't be in here. Only the basketball players are allowed, but Tyler doesn't care enough.

Josh sits back with one knee pulled to their chest. Watching Tyler undress isn't anything new, it's actually casual for the two of them. He sheds his skin more often than not, and Josh gets to enjoy every second of it. They watch him pull down his shorts and briefs, and expose the subtle dip at his waist once taking off his basketball jersey. The shower runs and so does Josh's mind, but they don't make any move to act upon it; their imagination is just fine.

Maybe it has something to do with being an artist, or maybe Tyler's really is that handsome, but Josh has every part of his body memorized. Head to toe.

They know his body more than he probably knows his own.

Josh watches water fall down his skin, running over curves and edges, falling off points. They'd sit here all day to draw him like this, but time moves too fast, and they move too slow.

Other teammates come and go, not bothered by Josh's presence in the locker room because they're used to it by now. Each of them are used to just seeing Josh in one place, at one time, looking at one person. Everyone comes and goes, but Tyler always stays, and so Josh does too.

It's a dynamic neither of them planned to have, and neither of them minded.

Before Josh knows it, Tyler's standing in front of them with his nudity shining. He only looks down at them, drying off his back, so Josh kisses his hips, and when they remember no one is around now, they start licking too.

Tyler pushes their head away, laughing. "Stop. We need to get to Denny's."

Josh rolls their eyes with a smile but nonetheless does stop, leaning against the lockers. They wait for Tyler, who finishes changing fast enough for the two of them to be in Josh's car in a matter of minutes.

Tyler gets the aux, it's fine. Josh is alright with listening to early 2000s hits.

They hold hands over the dashboard and sing together, Tyler messing with the bandana around Josh's wrist because he can, and he's tired, and he's trying to stay awake for them and the team.

By the time they're at the restaurant, it's packed purely of highschool students and their families. Dallon calls for Tyler when he sees them, pointing to two saved seats at the biggest booth there.

He and Josh both sit, connecting hands beneath the table naturally.

"What took you so long, dude?" Dallon chuckles, taking a sip of his soda.

"Sorry I _actually_ showered." Tyler responds.

"Hey, I'm fucking starving. There's no time for showering." The conversation ends there between them, Dallon instead focusing on his phone.

The entire table, though, is full of talking. There's at least nine people at this one booth, and instead of anyone conversing with Tyler or Josh, they talk to each other. It doesn't surprise either of them, because they both know Josh is the black sheep. They always are and always will be.

The basketball team likes to pretend it's not true, but it's too obvious to deny.

The waiter comes around asking Josh and Tyler what they'd like to drink, and once he's gone, that's finally when anyone actually pays mind to them. Well, Josh.

His name's Otto, and he says, "Tyler tells us you draw a lot."

Josh shrugs, nodding. "Yeah."

"Do you think I could see? I'm a sucker for art." It seems nice enough, so Josh allows it. They unbuckle their messenger bag and pull out the rough sketches of Tyler and random doodles they did tonight during the game.

They hand it to Otto.

He flips through the sketchbook with wide eyes, scanning over everything.

He studies a few pages and even past the ones Josh had done tonight, delving further. They're hoping he doesn't go too far or else he'd see stuff he probably didn't want to.

Josh really did draw Tyler a lot. All of Tyler.

Otto looks to the latter, nearly shaking his head in disbelief. "He really is good. Fuck."

Tyler clenches his jaw, and so does Josh, but for a completely different reason. They take the sketchbook back from Otto gladly, completely tuning everyone out after that. Especially Tyler.

Josh pulls their hand away from his under the table and even goes as far as moving away so they weren't touching at all.

Tyler notices, too, but won't say anything right now.

He'll wait until they're alone, so in the meantime, they don't speak a word to one another. They order their food and eat it silently, they observe silently, they ignore one another silently. Maybe Tyler's teammates notice the tension as well, because they don't talk to either of them for the rest of time spent there until everyone is leaving.

Plates are cleaned, drinks are empty. Everyone says goodnight, and Tyler can't help but thank Matthew before heading out. He pays everytime.

He really doesn't know how, either.

Even as Josh and Tyler are out of the restaurant, they don't say anything. Even as they're in the car, they don't say anything. It's not until they're halfway downtown when Josh finally speaks up. "You haven't told them, have you." It's dark and Tyler can't see their face, but he knows their jaw is still clenched. It has been for a while now.

He sighs, staring out the window. "No."

Josh runs a hand through their hair, its been through multiple colors but is stuck at its natural, grown out state.  "You said you would."

Tyler did. "I know. I'm sorry."

There's no music playing this time, so it's just them. All them. Every croak and quiver.

"Why haven't you?"

It takes a while for for him to reply. Maybe he's ashamed, embarrassed; sorry for letting Josh down. "Because they won't understand and they're not going to. I don't want you to have to deal with them acting like you're some outcast. It's already bad enough as it is. They rarely try to talk to you, I'm surprised Otto did tonight." Tyler groans, rubbing his eyes. "I fucking love you, Josh. I don't want to see you get pestered by their shit."

Josh knows Tyler's right. They know not one of those guys will understand, and there's no point in trying, which really is saddening on its own.

"I'm such a burden sometimes." They mumble. "I'm sorry."

Tyler holds their hand again, and Josh doesn't pull away this time. They need him, they always do. "Babe, that isn't true. You shouldn't feel like being yourself is burden. As long as you're happy with who you are, who cares what anyone else thinks."

Josh huffs. "I care."

"You shouldn't." Tyler tells them.

Once they're at a red light, Josh pulls their hand away from the steering wheel and leans against the seat.

Tyler takes this time to brush his lips against their knuckles. "Do you want me to tell them? I will."

Josh shakes their head. "No. You're right."

"Josh, actually. Do you want me to tell them?" It's their entire identity, people have the right to know even if they may not grasp it.

Josh, still, shakes their head again. "Let's not bother with them. All that matters is the people who mean the most to us know." Josh still hasn't told their parents, and most likely won't. Especially not while they're living with them. Tyler's mom knows though, and she tries her hardest to understand. They often will have to remind her what the color of every bandana meant, but she respects them. Him. Her. Whatever. Kelly is nice enough to do that.

Tyler is nice enough to do that.

"My house?" They ask instead.

Tyler nods.

So Josh's house it is.

***

By the time they make it home, they're both exhausted. Tyler grabs his and Josh's bags from the backseat and carries them inside, instantly walking up the stairs to Josh's room while they spoke with their parents downstairs. 

Their siblings are usually always asleep by now, besides Jordan, who's right next to Josh's room and is notorious for playing video games until three in the morning. Really, it's not fun for anyone else.

At the thought, too, Jordan walks out of his room with his gym shorts hanging low and his shirt too tight.

"How was the game?" He asks, pausing mid-step.

Tyler drops his and and Josh's bag into their room, leaning on the doorway. "Kicked ass. Sixteen to eight."

Jordan's eyebrows raise, continuing to walk. "Damn. Good job."

"Thanks." He mutters, making his way inside Josh's bedroom once Jordan continues heading downstairs.

Tyler slips his shoes off as soon as he can, falling onto the bed face-first with a groan. All he wants to do is sleep. He'd been practicing every weekend and most weekdays because of that game, and although it's rewarding to have a win that big, it isn't enough to fill the lack of energy and content missing from him.

He's not sure why he even plays basketball anymore. At first, it was something his father pushed him to do, but now that isn't the case at all. Now, he just _does_ it.

Tyler supposed it's a part of his routine, and he isn't willing to let that go yet. He'd lose track of himself, because without having Josh or basketball around, he really didn't have much at all.

The door opens and closes behind him, and he smiles. He can't help it.

It's not long before Josh is crawling onto his back and laying their legs on either side of him. They kiss the nape of his neck and run their hands underneath his shirt.

"You did amazing tonight." They utter, lightly pressing against a knot in his shoulder. 

Tyler moans, he's always sore. "So did you."

He can only picture Josh rolling their eyes right now. "I literally did nothing."

Tyler shakes his head, breathing in the bedsheets because it's a smell he's become close to. "You've done the unimaginable."

He turns around to face them. Josh sits at his hips, and he's probably just sleep-deprived, but he can still feel their tongue against his skin. He'd like to feel it again, and then he remembers he can barely keep his eyes open. It'll have to wait.

"Someone's sleepy." Josh whispers.

Tyler hums. "Take your clothes off already and let me spoon you."

Josh laughs at that, but does indeed follow through. They widdle it down to just their boxers and a t-shirt, and Tyler's too tired to do the same thing so Josh does it for him. They unbutton his jeans and pull them down his thighs until they're able to get them off from his ankles.

"Socks?" They wonder.

"Socks." He replies.

With that being said, Josh nods, standing up from the floor-- where they've somehow ended up-- and walks over to their bedside table, opening up the small chest atop of it. Tyler watches them unravel the bandana from their wrist and place it inside before closing it back up and turning the light off.

"I miss your face." He says as soon as it's dark.

Josh chuckles, crawling into bed and allowing Tyler to pull them close. They mold together easily; Josh fitting in the curve of Tyler and Tyler's arm fitting in the curve of Josh's waist. It's a puzzle piece that has somehow comepleted itself.

"Goodnight," Josh whispers, squeezing their boyfriend's fingers.

They don't get a reply. Tyler's out in a matter of seconds.

***

Josh always wakes up earlier than Tyler, it's not surprising. He works his ass off for weeks on end and instead of doing things for himself afterward, he sticks at Josh's side. Really, it's heartwarming. Being around his partner is for himself too, of course, but Josh would always think he'd find something better to do.

He never does.

Josh sits at the corner of his bed and draws in the meantime, eyes moving back and forth from the paper to Tyler. He studies his sleeping figure, recreating it through pencil lead and drive. It's something he's willing to do for an eternity, because as long as Tyler was always in sight, so was his sense of security.

For the longest time Josh would never show him any of his work, but after a while, he caved. He needed that praise sometimes, and Tyler was good at giving it.

When he saw _who_ Josh had been drawing, though, he was in shock.

Now it has become a casual thing between them. If Josh isn't drawing Tyler, something doesn't feel right. His body on display is solace, and recreating it gives him time to bask in the glory.

At a certain point in the morning, Laura comes into the room.

She sees Tyler fast asleep, and she sees Josh's unnerving concentration, so she keeps quiet and makes her way around her son's bed. "What are you drawing?" She asks in a soft tone, leaning over his shoulder a bit to see.

Josh shows her, once again, another drawing of his boyfriend: slick lips, closed eyes, steady features.

"I can never get his nose right." He whispers.

Laura shakes her head. "He's lucky to have you."

Josh's mom is kind. Really, his whole family is. Not coming out to them has nothing to do with their behavior, but more so the lack of courage he has. They're proud of him, and his siblings can look up to him-- it's not anything he wants to lose over something like gender identity. Josh struggles, and they won't know. Josh crumbles, and the bandanas around his wrist mean nothing.

Partially, it's his fault.

They're supposed to love him no matter what, that's their duty as a family, but the overwhelming feeling of not being accepted by the people who are supposed to mean the most to him wins the battle of freedom every time.

Josh never responds, so Laura continues. "I came in here to ask if you guys might want to go to the movies with us, but he probably isn't going to get out of bed any time soon, is he."

She knows how much he works himself, and still, no one knows why he does it.

"Everyone's going?" Josh wonders.

"Yeah," she responds.

Josh isn't going to deny that being home alone with Tyler piques his interest more than going to see a movie with his family does.

"Yeah. He's definitely not going to be up any time soon." He says, for his own benefit. "He needs to rest, anyways."

Laura nods, pulling away from her son and instead making it over to the door again. "We'll be leaving in a little bit, then." She declares. "Want us to bring you two food on the way back? I already know Jordan will ask."

"Please." Josh murmurs.

"I'll text you when the show's over." She says, about to leave the room, but not without adding, "I love you."

This is not something Josh can lose.

"I love you too."

She closes the door behind her after that, and she also closes Josh in with thoughts solely of Tyler again. This time, they're a little more provocative than before, but he still does nothing except sit back and continue drawing.

It's not until about a half an hour later when he can hear everyone downstairs leaving, and the door closing.

Immediately, Josh is throwing his sketchbook aside and moving next to Tyler again. He kisses up his legs and thighs, waiting to see his eyes blink open before crawling onto his chest and snuggling him.

Tyler groans in response, stretching his arms. "Hmm?" He lets out.

Josh kisses his jaw, limbs locked around him. "Everyone's gone."

The youngest chuckles airily at the information, rubbing his eyes from the harsh sun coming through the window. "You're crazy," he whispers, raspy.

Josh loves it. "Say it again." He mutters, lips against his throat.

Tyler runs a hand over his backside to steady himself, lashes fluttering. "You're crazy." He repeats.

Josh really loves it. He digs his nose into Tyler's Adam's apple and sucks against the skin there, beginning to lick as well. Tyler's still in and out as it happens, grip on the back of his partner's thighs delicate.

"Have you even brushed your teeth?" He asks.

Josh groans as he pulls away, shoving Tyler's head into the pillow. "Fuck you."

He sighs while standing up from the bed, watching Tyler roll his eyes but nonetheless lets Josh leave the room to do such.

It's quiet in the house; it's great. There weren't many times where the two of them would be left alone, so they value it. In most cases, Josh is left sucking Tyler off in the locker room after hours, or getting sucked off by Tyler in the car. It's not romantic, it's nothing special. They have the decency of not doing anything while their family is there-- well, sometimes.

Otherwise, Josh would have probably gotten on his knees by now.

He stares at himself in the mirror while brushing his teeth, and that's when he watches Tyler come into the room and walk up behind him, resting his chin onto his shoulder.

"How are you feeling today?" He questions.

Josh still hasn't put on a bandana, and Tyler hasn't been up long enough to notice any sort of mannerisms just yet. He needs reassurance.

"Like I'm going to throw you on your ass this time." Josh grumbles behind the toothbrush.

Tyler laughs. "Oh, really now?" He grins, nibbling as much as he can on Josh's earlobe despite the gauge.

Josh doesn't respond, he only spits out all the toothpaste and swirls enough water in his mouth to clean the rest out. Afterwards, he turns around in Tyler's arms, staring at him with his lips pursed before bringing both of theirs together abruptly.

Tyler still hasn't brushed his teeth and it's kind of gross, but the mint in Josh's mouth evens it out enough for the both of them. He pushes him against the wall and licks into his mouth before sucking on his bottom lip, it's hungry, it's needy. He wants him now and even sooner than that.

He grabs onto Tyler's waist and digs his nails there, pressing himself close enough to where their cocks can brush together.

Both of them love it; it's no secret.

"Josh--" it's only a matter of time before he's sinking to his knees like he'd been wanting to do since last night, biting at the fabric of Tyler's underwear and kissing the skin around it. "Fuck."

He's is on a mission; sliding his boyfriend's briefs down and pecking at what seems worthy enough to focus on. Tyler isn't hard, but the longer Josh toys with him, he knows it will change.

He works his tongue back onto his hips like he had been the night before, moaning in a small manner as he does so, and Tyler can't handle it. He's running his fingers through his hair, and he wants to ask to take control, but he's letting Josh do it for now. He craves it more than him and it's obvious: pinning Tyler, teasing Tyler, overwhelming Tyler.

"Suck me." He tries.

Josh looks up at him, fingers threaded in his underwear and nose pressed to his hip bone.

"Suck me." Tyler says again.

Josh loses eye contact and instead pulls him down to the floor forcefully, back against the wall and knees bent at either side of him, legs wide. Tyler's Adam's apple bobs, watching Josh stare him down like a prey.

He starts dragging his lips on his inner thighs, and Tyler's definitely hard now. Josh sucks and licks and nibbles and is trying to leave hickies. He knows what to do and uses it to his advantage, testing how far Tyler is willing to go for him before this could end.

He thought they'd spend their time in the bedroom but he's proven wrong as Josh pushes his legs apart further, harder, until his knees are touching the wall too.

He kisses his thighs one last time before standing up and focusing on something at the sink.

Tyler's left on the floor. "Josh?"

He ignores him, purposefully. Willingly. So Tyler is watching him through the mirror instead, and then travelling his eyes down his entire body.

He's lucky.

The faucet turns on and off, and Josh faces his boyfriend once again, sticking a toothbrush in his face. "Brush your teeth." He says.

Tyler looks up at him, then down at the toothbrush, taking it reluctantly.

Josh gets back onto the floor with him afterwards, gripping the sides of Tyler's ass and pulling him closer, closer, close enough until his tongue finally makes contact with his cock, just the tip and just for a moment, but he still whines.

Josh pushes the toothbrush into his mouth. "Brush your teeth."

They look back and forth at one another but neither of them say anything, so he continues, licking a long stride at the base and to his slit, where he dips his tongue a few times. Tyler curls his toes and moans from the back of his throat, head titling back. He nods, encouraging Josh to do it again-- do something again.

Josh stares at him straight in the eyes, making sure he's brushing his teeth, which he is. So, he continues.

He presses a kiss to his balls, once, twice, a few times.

"Fuck, Josh, do something." Tyler groans around the toothbrush.

Josh huffs, the hand he has at Tyler's ass becoming harsh; nails digging into the skin. Tyler winces, about to say something else, but his mouth falls slack when his boyfriend starts sucking on the tip of his cock. His grip on Tyler's ass is still rough, but he kind of likes it, and he's sucking his dick, so he really doesn't mind.

Tyler lets go of the toothbrush and runs his hands through Josh's hair, giving it small tugs every now and then. The pull becomes stronger though when Josh slowly gets lower and lower until his nose is pressing against the hair at Tyler's pelvis.

Tyler usually doesn't shave, and it's okay. Josh is into it.

He pulls his head back only to suck all the way down the base once again. Then, he bobs his his head in the slightest so Tyler's cock is touching the back of his throat repeatedly. Josh still isn't the best at sucking dick, neither of them are, and he find himself gagging horribly after a certain point.

He brings Tyler's cock back out of his mouth, coughing with a flushed face, and Tyler opens his eyes to watch.

He exhales heavily, brushing away the terse amount of tears at the edge of Josh's eyes.

Josh heaves just like him, but nonetheless, he leans forward once again and treats his prick like his favorite desert. Maybe it is, too.

He breathes against him, slowly licking the tip once more. He spits on it only to suck it right off and pulls back every time he gets lower to steady himself.

"So good, baby," Tyler mutters distractedly, Adam's apple bobbing as his eyes squeeze shut again. The warmth of Josh's mouth is phenomenal, and he finds himself bucking his hips into it, which only makes Josh gag again but he doesn't pull away this time, just looking up at Tyler with wide eyes and furrowed eyebrows. "Let me fuck your mouth."

Josh nods as best as he can.

Tyler spits out the toothbrush, toothpaste falling onto his cheeks and chin but he doesn't mind. All he can think about is how fucking amazing his partner looks and feels right now.

He carefully switches their positions. He stands, and pushes Josh against the wall.

Josh is so unbelievably hard through his boxers.

"Open wide," Tyler whispers, smirking.

His heart skips a beat when Josh slowly opens his mouth, lips raw already, and eyes desperate. Mouth desperate. He's desperate, which makes Tyler's cock twitch knowing he's managed to gain control in the situation now.

Carefully, he pushes himself between those lips, giving a few gentle thrusts before tangling his fingers into Josh's curls and pulling him forcefully onto him again. His hips pick up speed the more into it he gets, to the point where Josh has to grip onto his thighs because he's losing his balance while sitting on his knees.

This specific noise echoes in the bathroom, one of Josh completely choking on his boyfriend's dick, one where Tyler doesn't stop.

Josh looks up at him pleadingly, a blush at his cheeks, and Tyler's eyes roll to the back of his head, biting his lip.

"I'm gonna make your throat--" Thrust, and a gag. "Raw." He gets out.

Josh whimpers around him, the sound easily getting drowned out by Tyler's quick thrusts. He squeezes his eyes shut, grip on Tyler's thighs tightening the deeper he goes. His nose is being repeatedly met with his pubes, and Tyler suddenly angles his hips differently which only makes the situation more overwhelming for Josh.

" _Fuck_ , I'm-I'm gonna cum." Tyler murmurs, breath stuttering.

At that, Josh collects the drool falling from his mouth on his pointer and middle finger, hand snaking around to where he prods them against Tyler's anus.

"Oh, god." He whispers at the feeling, thrusts slowing down momentarily.

Josh carefully pushes his middle finger inside him, making Tyler lean his head against the wall and moan. Still, he manages to bring his hips forward, letting out small grunts.

Josh moves his finger in and out of him, getting even harder at the feeling of his boyfriend so tight around him. He wants to be touched, he wants to get fucked. Something. Because this is unbearable.

"Anoth-another." Tyler mumbles quietly, legs trembling in the slightest.

Josh listens, pushing his pointer finger in as well, moving them back and forth a few times before curling them.

That's when Tyler gasps, thrusting abruptly to make Josh gag once again. "Right there, holy. . . Holy shit. Again, again, please."

He does do it again, prodding them right into the same place and curling his fingers against him, pressing hard into that specific spot, which has Tyler an absolute mess. He hits the back of Josh's throat repeatedly with his cock, drooling on the wall unashamedly.

Josh chokes, Tyler moans.

"Oh my god, oh my _god_." He breathes loudly when Josh continues the pattern. "Fuck, yes. Yes."

It takes one more forceful thrust, and one more rough curl into his prostate until Tyler is filling up Josh's mouth. He stills his hips, twitching, knees tensing.

He heaves, slowly letting go of Josh's hair.

Josh pulls his cock out of his mouth, swallowing thickly. One thing he is somehow good at is swallowing. It's hot, it's sexy, and it makes Tyler even more horny. He doesn't move his fingers out though, he knows that Tyler has to take it slowly. He doesn't like the feeling of being empty after such a memorable moment. If he could, he'd let Josh stay inside of him forever.

Of course, it doesn't work that way.

Tyler can barely open his eyes, blinking a few times before looking down. "I love it when you do that," he whispers.

Josh chuckles. "Finger you?" His voice cracks horribly as he says it, which makes him blush even more.

Tyler smiles in a haze. "I love it when you surprise me. I wasn't expecting that."

Josh hums, slowly pulling his fingers out which makes Tyler let out a noise of displeasure. His kisses his thigh in return. "Jack me off. Eat me out. Something." His voice is so hoarse, and his throat is already so sore.

"How about all of the above?" Tyler smirks.

"That works," Josh concludes.

Tyler takes him back into the bedroom, and he _does_ jack him off, and he _does_ eat him out. At the same time. In some strange way, it makes Josh fall for Tyler even more. Behind the sex appeal, Tyler accepts him for who he is, and there's nothing more he'd rather have. Today, Josh is a boy, but tomorrow, things might change, and to know Tyler would still jack him off and eat him out-- still love him-- either way, that's what makes his heart swell the most.

***

Tyler and Josh made sure to clean up the mess they made in the bathroom. There was toothpaste everywhere, so that is what they spent their time doing after Josh reached that perfect moment of ecstasy.

After a while, his family eventually does come home, and Laura walks inside the room with a bag of Taco Bell. She never did call Josh for their orders, but that's probably because she knows full well what both of them want by now.

When she walks in, Tyler has Josh between his legs, back against his chest and arms wrapped around him. They're watching a movie on Netflix.

Josh smiles at his mother. "Hell-fucking-yeah!" He exclaims, voice cracking once again.

Laura laughs, shaking her head.

Josh grabs the bag from her, searching through it quickly with a big grin on his face. Tyler's the one who grabs the slushies from her.

"Thank you," he mutters.

"Of course, hun." Laura pushes a strand of hair behind her ear. "Good job last night, by the way. Josh told me how well you did."

He gives a soft smile. "Thank you."

She nods. "Of course." She says, taking a step back. "You two enjoy. I'll be downstairs if you need anything." That's the last she says befor walking out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

"I can get hard again just thinking about how good this is going to taste." Josh mutters, kind of to himself, kind of not.

Still, Tyler shakes his head. "You're so weird sometimes."

Josh shrugs, grabbing a slushie from out of his boyfriend's hands and taking a sip. His eyes roll to the back of his head while he does, moaning softly at the taste.

Tyler purses his lips. "Well, don't do that. _I_ might get hard again."

Josh chuckles, leaning back to bring him into a tender kiss. He closes his eyes, fingers brushing over Tyler's cheek bone. He rubs their noses together afterwards. "I love you so, so much." He whispers.

Tyler kisses him once more. "I love you most."

Josh blinks. "It's impossible."

"Anything is possible." 

Josh exhales, pressing his lips to Tyler's neck. It's then when he notices the very faint hickey he wound up creating earlier this morning, right on his Adam's apple. "You know what's not impossible?" He wonders, a smirk slowly making its way onto his face.

"Hm?" Tyler lets out.

"The fact that my mom totally just saw the hickey I left on your throat." Josh says, biting his lip.

Tyler's cheeks turn a pale shade of pink, but that doesn't stop him from saying, "You know what else is not impossible?"

"Hm?"

"The fact that your mom totally noticed how fucked up your voice suddenly is. A little fishy, don't you think?" Tyler laughs to himself. "Cock sucker." 

Josh is the one to blush this time. "You like it."

"Never said I didn't." He obviously likes it. "I'm just saying that now your entire family is going to be completely aware I fucked your throat so hard you can barely speak." Josh's face flushes even more, and he can't find any way to respond, so he only takes another sip of his slushie.

Tyler simply laughs harder.

***

After dinner, Jordan asks Tyler if he wants to play video games with him, which he easily accepts. They go into his room and get onto the Xbox, the two of them sitting on the extremely large bean bags, and Josh sits with his shoulders against Tyler's stomach, watching them.

He doesn't play video games himself, but he thinks it's cute how into it Tyler gets.

It's not until the second game, after Tyler and Jordan cheered very loudly and irritably from winning, where Jordan slumps further and says, "You know, the walls are thin."

Josh has no idea what he means, so he doesn't respond.

This leaves Jordan to continue. 

"I heard what you two were talking about after mom left your room earlier." He mutters, shaking his head. "You guys are so gross."

Tyler laughs at that, but Josh doesn't find it nearly as amusing because it's his _brother_ insinuating that he heard Tyler and him talk about their sex life. Ew. This is horrible. He turns around in Tyler's lap and hides his face into his thigh, groaning.

"You told mom Tyler was going to sleep in so you didn't have to go to the movies just to have sex." Jordan keeps going, and Josh really, really wishes he wouldn't. "That's gross, but smart. Maybe I should do that."

That's what makes Josh lift his head up. "Um, fuck no. You're only fifteen, you do not need to be having sex."

"I can't hear you over how much your voice is cracking." Jordan smirks, eyes never leaving the screen.

Josh huffs. "I'm serious."

"I'm _se_ rious." Jordan mocks him, forcing his voice to crack.

Tyler laughs to himself.

Josh bites his thigh.

"Ow! What the hell, Josh?" He looks down at him, brows pulling together.

"Don't laugh. I know all your darkest secrets; I can expose you at any moment." Josh says, because it's true. He can make Tyler just as embarrassed as him right now, maybe worse if he really wanted to. Say that Tyler loves it when he fingers him because it's _surprising,_ and how despite being able to gain control, he'll beg for cock when he's desperate.

Tyler's cheeks go hot, looking back at the game and clearing his throat.

He knows. He should.

Josh nods, and Jordan's eyes widen, blinking a few times.

"Okay, then." He mumbles. "I really don't want to know. . ." 

Josh never does tell him, and probably wouldn't have either way. If anything, it would only make his and Tyler's relationship awkward, and he wouldn't want that. Jordan likes Tyler, obviously, and he wouldn't want to mess that up.

Still, it's fun to play around. 

***

Tyler stays over the entire weekend, even Monday night, and Tuesday, and Wednesday. He wears some of Josh's clothes considering he had nothing packed besides everything from Friday, which is a pair of jeans and a button up shirt, as well as his his basketball uniform, and finally saying "see you tomorrow," instead of, "goodnight," never gets easier.

Maybe being so dependent on each other should be more concerning, but neither of them are worried. It's so easy to be with one another, so simple, which leaves them to question why shouldn't they just be together all the time?

Distance is good, yeah, but so is being able to roll over in the morning and kiss despite the horrible taste, or help one another with homework, or shower together because it's more. . . Efficient.

Tyler and Josh aren't Tyler and Josh if they're separated.

And, Josh supposes that's obvious, because at dinner, his dad grips his shoulder and says, "You'll see him tomorrow, you know, bud."

Josh nods numbly. "Yeah."

He finishes his meal and showers alone, lays in bed and stares at the ceiling. Life is black and white without his muse. He'd say it's because Tyler is one of the only people now who overwhelms him with happiness, but he knows that's not all it is. Tyler's more than just happiness, he's the only person who gets him inside and out. When him is her, or her is them, Tyler doesn't bat in eye. He kisses Josh's forehead and will comment, "You look beautiful today."

Josh smiles. Always, always smiling with Tyler.

Tyler is sunshine, right? Wherever he walks, the storm clouds can't follow. He plays with Josh's bandanas and uses them as reinforcement, a comfort mechanism, touching his body softly even if he's crying about dysphoria that randomly hits during the night.

"You know what I told my mom yesterday?" He once brought up on a night like that.

Josh sniffled. "Yeah?"

Tyler smiled for a moment. It's too dark to have seen, but it's a kind of feeling that radiates, anyways. "When you came over for dinner, sat across from me, wearing that super pink lip gloss and that mascara that makes your eyes so much bigger," he continues, mindlessly, humming to himself when he remembers. "I leaned over and said to her, _she looks so pretty tonight,_ and Mom leaned back and said, _you're_ _so_ _right_ _._ "

Josh cried harder, holding Tyler like he would slip away, thriving woefully in that reassurance.

Tyler is reassurance, he knows. Without Tyler, he'd be miserable. And maybe it's another night like that one, because he finds tears slipping down his face while his phone rings, reminding him of how terrible he is alone. Under a roof full of uncertainty.

"Baby?" Tyler answers.

Josh cries. "You should've-should've stayed one more night."

Tyler doesn't have to ask him what's wrong; the two of them have been through this one too many times. "Just think, soon enough, there won't be much to worry about besides taxes and bills." He says. "Only you and I and our small house. You can wear dresses if you want, or lay on the couch with your dick out. And we'll have a dog."

Josh can't help but laugh through the torment. "Yeah. We will." He murmurs.

"What'll his name be?" Tyler wonders. He knows, he still asks.

"Jim."

"Mhm," silk, honey, sun. "He'll be our little boy. The only little boy we'll need or want, and we'll spoil the absolute fuck out of him."

Josh puts him on speaker when his sobs become too much to handle, resting his phone down onto the comforter before brushing his tears away. "We will, Ty. We will." He whispers, breath stuttering. "He'll be the-the-the most beautiful golden retriever anyone has ever seen."

Tyler hums. "Just like you,"

Josh shakes his head in response, sighing. "I'm not a golden retriever."

"I _meant_ ," Tyler starts. "You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. How lucky am I to know you're all mine? I'm the only one who gets to kiss you, and touch you, and love you."

"I'm the lucky one." Josh utters.

There's not a doubt in his mind. Tyler doesn't have to be his boyfriend, but he is. Tyler doesn't have to stay over with him most days, but he does. Tyler doesn't have to devote himself to him, but he does. Tyler doesn't have to accept him, but he _does_ , and why is he deserving of that?

"Spend the night at mine tomorrow, yeah?" Tyler suggests.

Josh needs out of his own house.

He's trapped.

"Please." He breathes.

"I'll tell my mom." Tyler decides, clearing his throat a little. "Bring whatever you want, okay? Whatever. You know you're safe here. You don't have to be scared."

Josh closes his eyes and takes it all in, nodding, nodding, nodding. Registering it. "I know."

Tyler's probably nodding as well. "I'll see tomorrow then, angel." 

Josh smiles. So widely. Still though, it fades quickly, only because he's worried about their goodbyes. "Stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep, please." Tyler has done it time and time again; he knows how this works. When Josh's breathing labors, hangs, lingers, then he inhales like he was swimming and just came up for air, that's when it's safe.

"Of course," he mutters.

Josh curls up to himself under the covers. "You're the best thing to ever happen to me." He whispers, casually, tired. "I love you. I. . . Fuck, I love you so much."

"I love you most." Tyler replies. "Now sleep, and I need you happy and rested."

"I'm always happy and rested with you."

"Shut up, dork." Tyler chuckles. Music to his ears, a lullaby. "Goodnight."

No owls coo, but Josh's heart does. "Goodnight."

 


	2. Part 2

 

Josh and Tyler don't let go of one another at school. They're attached to the hip, touching, touching, touching during choir, and culinary, and every other elective they have together. At lunch, they're together, again, sitting under a tree like they usually do. Tyler let's Josh draw him, like _he_ usually does, and it's good. 

Though, Josh is quiet. So, so quiet.

And Tyler knows why.

The purple bandana has been staring back at him all day. It's not a bad thing, of course not, he's just aware of all that it holds.

When Josh is purple, she's quiet. Not so much because of choice, but because she's insecure. She doesn't want to talk in case someone else might respond, say something that rubs her the wrong way, make her feel self-conscious about her voice.

Tyler knows, he always knows.

Purple is sensitivity.

At the thought, he slowly moves from his frozen position-- in order for Josh to draw him well enough-- and grabs her wrist, pressing a kiss to it. 

"When we get to mine, think I can just hold you?" He whispers.

The breeze is gentle like Josh's eyes. She looks down at his hand, takes into account his touch, and huffs out a breath from comfort. Her nod is careful.

"Good. I never wanna let you go." He smiles, deciding to lay down on his back, head in Josh's lap.

For some reason, despite all of the chaos surrounding them-- freshman playing football in the quad, clubs selling snacks in front of the cafeteria, lunch guards shouting for the younger kids to pick up their food from the ground-- neither of notice any of it. They're in their own little world, where the glint in Josh's eyes is a song, and Tyler's fingers intertwining with hers is the chorus.

"I've been thinking," Josh finally starts. Her voice is frail, tentative.

Tyler looks up at her. "Yeah?"

A shaky sigh. He can feel her hand become tighter around his. "Just, uh," Josh looks left, right, feeling paranoid of any ears. She looks back down at Tyler, Adam's apple bobbing-- he probably shouldn't have noticed that. "About what you said last night."

Tyler blinks. "Which part?"

There's a pause.

Pure anxiety.

Tyler brings her hand up to his mouth and kisses each knuckle. "Babe, you can tell me--"

"I want to buy a dress." She gets out.

He blinks, again.

"I know you do." Tyler replies. They've talked about this countless times, and the reason it has yet to happen falls back onto one thing. "I told you, you can keep it at my house so your family can't find it."

Josh sighs. "Yeah."

Tyler sits up a little, moving his head out from her lap when a lunch guard comes around. They get scolded constantly for how touchy they are, and it's never from kissing, or anything provocative, it's as simple as _having_ _his head_ _in her lap._ Stupid, really. Tyler would even say it's discrimination because it never happens to anyone else, but that's for another time.

He sits in front of Josh instead, knees touching, hands still linked together. "Are you ready this time?"

Josh leans forward until she's able to stick her face into his chest. "I hate looking like this. I. . . I look like a guy still. I don't even care if no one else will be around when it's different, but. . ." Nerves are deafening. "Just you being able to see me the way I see myself, or. . . Or your mom, even. That's what I need."

Tyler frowns, running a hand through her hair. "I always see you the way you see yourself, you know that. Today, you look gorgeous. Your hair is so long, so beautiful, and your eyes are so pretty." Tyler presses a quick kiss to her temple. "You're a girl today. I know that."

Josh shakes her head. "You know because of the bandana, not because of how I'm presenting myself."

"No, that's not it--"

"Tyler, please don't lie to me. Please."

Silence.

Heavy hearts. Aching chests.

"We can go to the mall afterschool," he decides. "Find you a dress you feel good in, yourself in. Wear it whenever you need to."

"I need it now." Josh whispers.

Tyler exhales headfully. "One more period, angel."

Josh only nods. She brings her face away from his chest and sniffles, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye before pulling the hood over her head and blocking everything out.

It's surreal.

Tyler takes it all into account, unable to help but feel it's getting worse. From keeping it a secret, hidden, it's doing Josh no good despite anything she stresses. She's right when she tells Tyler he only knows because of the bandanas, because nothing else physically changes except for those. They dictate her entire day, maybe even further than that, because she's too scared to tell anyone else. She's too scared to talk with her mother, or her father, and just explain everything to them.

_I'm gender-fluid._

Two words.

Josh feels trapped, Tyler knows. 

Tyler knows everything. 

His mind runs for her, tries to find the best solution based on her comfort level, and leaves with nothing.

Josh has never worn a dress because she doesn't want her family to see, find out she's different. Josh has never worn a dress because she doesn't want her siblings to give up on her. Josh has never worn a dress because she's afraid to face the reality of it.

She _is_ different. She always will be. And this absolute torment her mind goes through on the daily will never go away as long as she keeps it hidden.

It's not her family's fault. They can't be the bad guys because Josh has never disclosed what each bandana means. They're not wrong for being clueless; Josh chooses to take it to heart when she's misgendered on the green days, and the purples, and every other one. It's all about the decisions she makes. It takes a toll on her each day too, but no matter how many times Tyler tries to push her to bring light to it, she shuts him right down.

_They_ _aren't_ _going to understand, Tyler._

_They can handle it if_ _I'm_ _gay, but_ _not_ _that_ _I'm_ _a mess._

_It's okay_ _until_ _it comes to gender identity,_ _I_ _already know._

_They love me, but not all of me._

_I know best._

Tyler trusts Josh with everything except her own judgement. She's wrong, it's that simple.

Of course it's terrifying to come out, especially with something so unheard of, but Tyler knows she's never going to reach complete happiness until she's honest with everyone, including herself. Laura and Bill will love Josh unconditionally no matter what instance. It's their kid, of course they will. There's no going back now just because Josh is different than most.

Different isn't wrong. Different isn't bad.

Tyler wishes she knew this.

But, Josh is scared. Always, always scared, and her fears consume her more than reality ever will, unfortunately. 

***

The mall is loud, yeah. It's stressful too, but Tyler holds Josh's hand protectively and the two of them walk around to see what each of them find most appealing.

Neither of them have done this before.

They're both nervous, yet Tyler's need to make Josh feel safe and comfortable comes before anything else. He shakes off his nerves and instead nods along when Josh points shakily at things that catch her eye through the window. They go into multiple shops as well, Josh picking up a few dresses, but immediately, as soon as anyone looks their way, she puts them back and pulls Tyler out as quickly as possible.

They've been into four shops now.

Each time, the same thing happens.

It has gotten bad enough to the point where Tyler has to sit Josh down in the food court and rub her back while she trembles. She's wanting to cry, it's obvious, but she holds it back for her own sake.

"What's scaring you the most about this?" Tyler asks gently.

Josh's leg bounces. "Everyone looks at me. They're going to say something, Ty. I know it. They're going to say something and ruin the whole thing." In and out, exhale after inhale. "I want this so bad, and I can't do it."

"But you can do it, babe." Tyler assures. "If people have something to say, they would have said it by now. They won't though. I'm right by your side, I'm protecting you. I always am." Josh's smile is weak as she nods along. "Take a few deep breaths, we'll get up and go find you a dress. Actually this time."

The few deep breaths are slow, but after a moment, Josh does stands up and takes Tyler's hand back into hers.

"Okay." She murmurs.

Josh begins walking off, but immediately, she turns around when Tyler doesn't move. He just looks at her, eyes twinkling, mouth in a curl.

Josh cocks her head. "What?"

Tyler steps closer until they're face to face. "I'm so in love with you." He says, free hand moving to hold her cheek. "And I'm so proud of you, too."

Josh blushes. "Stop being a sap, Ty."

He shakes his head. "Listen to me." He whispers. 

"I am."

Tyler leans his forehead onto hers. "You're the best thing to ever happen to me, and I can't tell you enough how happy it makes me to know I'm spending my life with you. How happy it makes me to see you grow, and be yourself." He caresses her skin. "You're so fucking amazing."

From the tips of her ears to her nose, Josh is pink. Overwhelmed. Thriving. "Kiss me before I cry." She decides.

Tyler chuckles, nodding, and nonetheless pulls her close until their lips meet.

It isn't so nervewracking, because they have eachother. That's all they need. And so once the two of them lean away with stupid grins on their faces, they walk off, to another store, and this time, Josh doesn't overthink it. She grabs a few dresses that should be her size, and with one tremendous inhale, she lets go of Tyler's hand, slipping into one of the dressing rooms.

He waits for her, biting the inside of his cheek in the meantime.

A man who is also waiting for his girlfriend glances his way. The look is unclear, so Tyler doesn't pay mind to it, but he does feel heartwarmed when instead of anything harsh being thrown at him, he gets a smile.

Tyler's lips twitch into a smile too, nodding shakily towards him.

That's all.

It's okay.

He waits, and waits, and waits. It feels like he's waiting forever, but finally, the door cracks open and Josh says, "Tyler," in the softest tone; it makes him want to crumble.

"Yeah, babe?"

"Could you come here?" She wonders.

Tyler's heart is skipping beats, it feels like. He nods a few times, stepping forward instead of leaning on the wall, and slowly, Josh lets him into the dressing room. As soon as the door closes behind them and Tyler can take it all into account, his entire body burns immensely. It's good, though. Somehow, the burn is good, and Tyler stands there in shock, wordless, leaving Josh to frown a little.

"Well. . . Does it look okay?"

Tyler's face erupts with the biggest grin Josh has ever seen from him. He chuckles, shakes his head, in pure disbelief. "Josh, you look so god damn beautiful."

Josh's face says it all. She bites her lip to refrain herself from smiling just as wide, turning around to look at the mirror instead. "I like it, too."

Tyler touches her waist, leaning onto her shoulder to watch her in the mirror as well. "Look at you." He whispers.

Josh huffs, nodding. "Yeah."

"How do you feel?"

"Good." She says. She grips the hand at her waist and nods another time. "So good."

Tyler's knees feel weak to the bone at the sight. Just moments ago, he has only ever seen Josh in a pair of pants and a top, but this is so different, so _needed._ He can tell easily that this is such a staple moment for her, because never before has she looked so ecstatic from looking in the mirror. Usually, the mirror is the where she picks at every flaw until she's brittle and hopeless, now though, she's glowing.

"I want this one." Josh decides.

"Okay." Tyler holds her tight. "Okay."

"I feel good." She adds.

Tyler smiles, again. "You should." He says. "You look amazing." It's a dark purple, which makes Tyler suspicious that she chose the color purposefully, and because of that he's even more happy. Everything is so right.

Finally, Tyler pulls his arms away from her, taking a seat on the small bench while she changes back into her clothes. She slips on her jeans and oversized black long-sleeve, smiling playfully as she hands Tyler her boots and sticks her feet into his lap.

Tyler's cheeks ache.

He's overjoyed.

He helps Josh put on both of her boots, tying them for her. Afterwards, he leans forward to kiss her knees, because that's something else he's able to do.

Being a boyfriend is nice.

After a moment, the two of them finally stand. Josh grabs the dresses, and once walking out, she puts them on the rack. Then, they walk hand and hand over to the register, and the confidence becomes sheepish, but nonetheless Josh places the dress in front of the cashier with rosy cheeks and a frantic heartbeat.

The woman only smiles, placing it into a bag once scanning it.

Once she says the price, Josh's eyes widen a little, not expecting it to be that much for something so mundane.

She looks to Tyler. "Sorry, I didn't know if was so expensive." She digs the heel of her boot into the ground.

Tyler shakes his head. "It's alright, Josh."

Josh supposes it is.

Tyler gets paid monthly as allowance from his mother, doing things like cleaning the dishes or washing the car. He would get a job, yeah, but basketball takes up most of his free time, and he voices his concerns about never seeing Josh if he were to tackle work, school, sports, and a relationship.

Kelly is too understanding for her own good.

After Tyler pays and collects his change, the cashier's smile lingers, saying, "Have a good day."

Josh is sheepish. It's the color purple. "Thank you."

Her and Tyler walk out after that, pride in their chests, love in their hearts. They consider grabbing something to eat at the food court, but Tyler reminds her that his mom definitely has something cooked since Josh would be staying over.

So with that, Josh drives them home. To utter safety.

 

***

Tyler's house is a lot smaller than Josh's. It makes sense though, considering it's only him and his mother.

Tyler's family situation is a mess. It's not terrible of course, he gets along with his siblings and his father fine, but it's just everything that happened after his parent's divorce that is messy. Tyler doesn't live with his dad, but all his other siblings do. Josh still isn't completely aware of why that is; she thinks she remembers him saying it's his decision. He would rather live with his mom, because no one else wants to.

His dad makes more money.

Maybe his siblings are selfish.

Nonetheless, it's okay. It doesn't seem to bother him nor Kelly really all that much. They're happy having one another, and Josh is happy for that reason.

She never has met his dad, but Josh isn't sure she wants to, anyways.

Once the two of them get everything from Josh's car and make it inside, they find Kelly in the kitchen, making dinner, which comes to no one's surprise. 

"We're home." Tyler announces.

Kelly immediately smiles, big and wide, setting something down and bringing both of them into a hug.

Josh is safe.

Always with the two of them.

Kelly pulls away and instead touches her cheek. "I've missed you, sweetheart."

Josh's lips curl upwards. "I missed you too."

Kelly moves her hand away after a moment, focusing on the food once again. "Food should be done in half an hour or so." She's stirring, stirring. "When Tyler told me you're coming over, I knew I wanted to make your favorite." 

Josh perks up at that. "Fettuccine?"

Kelly hums.

"You're the best." Josh decides.

There's something about her fettuccine alfredo that Josh can't get enough of. The first time she had it, she was hooked, and now everytime it has been awhile since Josh has come over, Kelly makes it for her.

She really is the best.

"I thought I was?" Tyler fake pouts.

Josh leans onto his arm and nibbles at it playfully, which Tyler rolls his eyes to with a smirk.

Though, it doesn't last long. Josh has something else on her mind. She moves to the corner of the kitchen and grips the counter, titling her head. "Kelly, do you think that I can, um," she bites her lip, meeting eyes with her. "Use your makeup again?" 

Kelly glances to Josh's wrist before answering. Seeing purple. Josh is usually purple at Tyler's house, which speaks volumes, but she ignores why most times.

Kelly smiles. "Of course, honey." She turns back to the stove. "It's in the bathroom."

Josh nods, beginning to walk away. "Thank you."

Tyler brings all their stuff into his bedroom while Josh heads to the bathroom. Afterwards, he grabs pajamas-- well, a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt-- deciding to shower. It doesn't matter that they only have one restroom, he'll just shower while Josh does her makeup. It's fine. Neither of them will mind, anyways.

Tyler closes the door behind him once he gets into the bathroom, seeing Josh sitting completely (and uncomfortably, really) in the sink so she can look in the mirror.

He touches her butt.

Josh says nothing.

"I'm gonna shower." He mutters, moving his hand away.

Still, Josh says nothing. She's concentrated, going quiet again, in that headspace once more.

Tyler's used to it though, so he doesn't mind too much. He simply undresses after starting the shower, watching her intently while he does so. She's still learning, definitely, but Tyler's too in love to notice any mistakes. Even if her eyeshadow isn't blended, she's perfect. Even if her mascara clumps together, she's perfect. Even if she accidentally over lines her lips, she's perfect.

Tyler has fallen for Josh, hard, but it's obvious by now.

So, when he gets into the shower, she focuses on what makes her happy. She doesn't get to do this often, express herself without any worry, and Tyler will let her as much as she possibly can.

Water washes any previous nerves away, suds of soap sinking like his anxieties. Tyler can't help but smile. Everything about this situation is comforting because of the casualty. Soon enough, he _will_ have his own place with Josh, and he can shower with her in the room just like this. Soon enough, he won't have to worry about making it home on time for dinner, because he'll be making dinner for Josh. Soon enough, they will have a dog together. Soon enough, they'll be a family like they've always wanted.

It will be so, so good.

Tyler's living in a dream. 

Once he finishes showering and steps out, Josh is quick to hand him a towel. She has finished her makeup by now, nothing too extreme tonight. Mascara, lipstick, and some blush.

Tyler smiles.

She does too.

"Gorgeous." He whispers, beginning to dry off his back.

Josh only smiles more, eyes travelling down her boyfriend's body in the meantime. Then, her brows furrow. She points to the inside of his thighs. "What happened?"

Tyler looks down, immediately chuckling. "You did that, babe."

The hickeys are faded, but still there.

Josh blushes. "Oh, yeah."

Tyler hums, leaning forward until their lips meet. Josh's hand touches his waist, feeling bare skin, and Tyler tilts his head. Kiss after kiss after kiss, they're in love, in a haze; Tyler pulls away slightly only to rest their foreheads together. "Are you gonna put on your dress?"

"After dinner." Josh murmurs.

Tyler nods, kissing her one last time before moving away. He dries off a little more, slipping his clothes on, and smiles when he catches himself in the mirror. The light pink of Josh's lipstick has rubbed off on him.

He likes it.

After a moment, the two of them make their way out. Tyler tosses his clothes into the hamper when he passes by his room, but instead of going inside, they head to the kitchen.

Kelly's lips turn upwards when she sees them. "Just in time." She says. "Tyler, set the table, will you?"

Of course he complies, grabbing three bowls and enough forks for everyone. Josh is already sat down, relaxed by the sound of the TV playing in the other room, and smiles when Tyler kisses the top of her head before sitting down once he finishes getting everything ready.

This time, he's beside her.

Kelly brings a big bowl of food to the middle of the table and allows them to grab as much as they'd like, which, unsurprisingly, Tyler fills his bowl to the brim, and Josh does too. She hands them both glasses of water as well, which they thank her for, and finally, she sits down to join them.

"Did you have practice today?" She wonders after they begin eating.

Tyler shakes his head, slurping up a noodle. "No, why?"

"You got here later than usual." She shrugs.

"Oh," he nods along, making sure to finish chewing before he continues. "We went to the mall afterschool. Sorry, I forgot to tell you."

Kelly doesn't mind. She never does. She trusts Tyler, knows he's never out doing anything regretful, so it's easy to let him do whatever he'd like during his free time. "What'd you go for?" She asks instead.

Tyler smiles. "I bought Josh a dress." 

Josh was kind of busy focusing on the television in the other room, but immediately, once hearing her name, she tunes back into the conversation. Her grin is timid, but overjoyed.

Kelly's is as well. "That's awesome."

Tyler nods, turning to face his partner. "She looks so pretty in it." He discloses. His eyes are hooded, in pure bliss at the thought.

"I bet she does." Kelly replies. She looks over to Josh, too. "Why aren't you wearing it, sweetie?"

Josh shrugs. "I'll put it on later."

An overwhelming amount of safety consumes her in seconds. Right here, in this house, it's her solace. Kelly is still learning when it comes to her situation, but even just her trying, and _god_ , using the right pronouns at the moment makes her heart flutter. Of course Kelly follows Tyler's lead because she struggles remembering what each bandana means, still, it's the fact that once she catches on, she doesn't hesitate to do so that makes everything so overwhelming. 

In the best way, of course.

The conversation is steady throughout the rest of dinner. They joke, laugh, smile. All good things. It's always good things.

Tyler and Josh help Kelly clean up, and afterwards, Josh practically drags Tyler into his room.

Josh really likes Tyler's room.

The walls are a cream color, and the bed sheets and blankets are always red to match with his awards. Tyler isn't one to flaunt, at all, but he does keep a few of them out more as decoration than anything. His basketball medals. There's a couple messily hung up on his walls, and on his dresser, there's picture frames filled with photos of him and Josh.

It's comforting.

Tyler lays on his elbows once he's in bed, watching as Josh undresses before him. She widdles it down to just her underwear, and once she gets the tag off, she's slipping on her dress again. It completes the entire look.

"Where are you headed?" Tyler wonders, playfully.

"Hmm?"

"Well, you must be going somewhere if you look that good." Tyler replies, smirking as he watches the way Josh's pink lips spread with a smile.

She tilts her head. "I decided to dress nice for my boyfriend."

Tyler hums. "He's one lucky man."

Pure adoration.

Josh walks forward. "I'm definitely the lucky one." She whispers, pushing a curl behind her ear.

Tyler says nothing, simply reaching his hand out and pulling her down onto the bed with him. Not only that, but slowly, Josh throws a leg over and straddles his stomach, hands planted on his chest. She looks down at him, Tyler looks up at her. It's perfect. Her lipstick is a little smudged, but _she's_ perfect.

"I'm so happy." Josh gets out.

Tyler blinks. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Tyler reaches out to hold her cheek, and she leans into it. "You know, the dress isn't what makes you purple." It's easier explaining in colors for them. "Clothes don't define that. You can be purple any day without having to wear a dress, or makeup."

Josh nods. "I know, Ty, but being able to express that in other ways besides mannerisms makes me feel so much better."

Tyler nods as well. "Okay. I just want you comfortable."

In and out, Josh breathes. She kisses Tyler's wrist and connects her hand with his, moving it down to her waist. "Kiss me, even though we both have fettuccine breath."

Tyler smiles. "I'll kiss you _because_ we both have fettuccine breath."

Josh rolls her eyes, Tyler pulls her down until their lips meet. He easily gains control this time around, because although Josh is usually pliant, purple is especially submissive. She let's Tyler do whatever he would like. She trusts him, wants him, craves him.

Tyler tilts his head and pushes further, hand slowly creeping down until he's gripping her butt.

Josh lets out a small noise.

"I want you." Tyler whispers.

Josh pulls away. She bats her eyes, curls her toes. "You can have me."

The swell in both of their hearts is unbelievable. He touches her like glass, meeting eyes to make sure she's okay, and she is. The softest color is on her cheeks when Tyler kisses her another time; there's a galaxy around them and they're the only stars.

Tyler's hands move under her dress and slowly begin pulling her underwear down, going into space.

Josh helps him. She always does. They help each other, so it comes to no one's surprise when she sits up a little and tosses them aside.

Afterwards, she sits back down, but this time, on his crotch.

Tyler's a rocketship.

"Your dress?" He wonders.

Josh shakes her head. "I wanna keep it on." She murmurs.

Tyler nods, easily. "Okay."

She leans back down to kiss him. It's gentle, careful, needy. Josh gasps a little as Tyler grabs her ass another time and holds her down onto him, the softest of groans then following. They're eating away at each other too, limbs on limbs, hips making sporadic decisions, hearts beating as one while being fueled by adrenaline. 

"Get--" Josh licks into his mouth; he has to move away. "My drawer." He cocks his head to the side.

Josh only nods, leaning forward to pull one of Tyler's drawers out to get a condom.

Maybe it should be embarrassing. 

Both of their parents give them condoms. They know. Tyler and Josh can't last longer than a week without doing _something_ , and all they can blame it on is hormones. And possibly lust, or love, but it isn't shocking anymore when Kelly comes home while Josh is over and hands Tyler a Trojan box.

Yeah, it should definitely be embarrassing. 

Josh supposes it's fine, though. It assures their parents that they're at least being safe.

She turns to face Tyler again, laying the condom aside while she scoots back and slowly palms him through his sweatpants. Instantly, he's throwing his head against the pillow, Adam's apple bobbing with his mouth wide open.

"I love you," Josh says. 

Tyler's in a state of bliss. He smiles with his eyes closed. "Who are you telling? Me or my dick?"

Josh hums, moving forward until she's resting her head against him. "Both."

Tyler eyes open then, barely. They're hooded as he reaches out and tangles his hands into Josh's messy hair, licking his lips while she kisses him through his clothes. "I love you, too." He mumbles, in his happy place. "All of you."

Josh is soaring. 

"Then make love to me already." She decides. 

Tyler nods. "Come here."

Josh blinks.

"Come here, babe." He says again.

Josh is a doe, a fawn. Maybe a deer in headlights is a better term. "Are you really going to. . ."

Tyler nods another time, moving further so he's laying straight. "Is that okay?"

"We've never. . ." Josh is soaring so high that she can't even think straight. _That_ high. She holds onto Tyler's shoulders, head tilting. "You'll tell me if it's too much, right? Don't-don't make me cum. I want you, too."

"I promise." He reassures.

"I don't know how well--"

"Josh!" Tyler laughs, soothing a hand down her backside. "Just sit on my face already."

Josh sighs. "Okay," she breathes. Tyler nods along as she moves closer until she's carefully hovering over him, knees on both sides of his head, dress blooming like a flower, acting as a shield from anything else.

Her thighs tremble.

Tyler holds onto them. "I've got you."

Josh bites her lip. "Okay." She whispers, and with much hesitance, she's lowering herself down onto his tongue.

Tyler grips her skin like she might slip away-- which, she most definitely won't-- and licks right from her balls to her ass, easing his tongue in. Josh whimpers quietly as it happens, knowing full-well Kelly probably wouldn't be able to hear considering she's in the livingroom watching TV with the volume naturally high, but she won't take any chances.

She would say she's pretty quiet, anyways.

But Tyler would definitely say that's a lie.

Still, just feeling his breath against her makes her dick twitch. She grips onto the headboard, trying to move away from him but Tyler pulls her back down. He opens her up, spreads her out, makes Josh lightheaded in a matter of seconds.

"I don't know if I can do this much longer." She utters, thighs continuing to tremble, especially the more he continues.

Tyler says nothing. He pushes, pushes, pushes, always pushing until he can't get anymore. His nose presses into her balls the deeper his tongue goes, and it's something that makes Josh's head spin. Her eyes fan close, mouth agape as she breathes through her moans. 

Tyler's in and out, then side to side.

Josh is aching.

Yet, Tyler slowly moves his fingers up and down the inside of her thigh, easing, teasing. He knows what he's doing, he always does, and so when he carefully wraps his fingers around her and starts jacking her off at such a dreadful pace, Josh wants to cry.

Her thighs squeeze around his head, hand slapping to her mouth while her nose scrunches up. 

Then, of course, that's not all.

Tyler's thumb slowly dips into her, stirring her concious, making everything seem so distant but so close at the same time. It's when Josh's abdomen becomes warmer and restless where she whimpers loudly, slapping Tyler's wrist repeatedly. "Stop, stop, stop." She pants out.

He does.

She lifts herself up from his face and shakily moves to sit back down on his stomach, both of their chests moving up and down.

Josh stares at Tyler, and he stares back at her.

"What's wrong?" He asks, lips swollen, slick.

"I. . . I was about to cum." She admits.

Tyler nods, completely out of breath as he sits up, back against the headboard. "I'll go soft."

Josh smiles. "Okay." She whispers. Tyler holds her hands while pulling down his sweatpants and boxers, and leans back a little when Josh rolls the condom onto him. There's so much trust in their eyes, in their touch, in their hearts. Josh grips one of Tyler's shoulders while lining him up, and once she's comfortable, she's pushing down onto him just slightly before wrapping both arms around him.

"Are you okay?" He whispers.

Josh nods. "I'm ready." 

Tyler's lips twitch upwards, hand brushing back some of her hair.

He moves his hips up while she sinks down, and in just seconds, he gets to watch her face contort from peace to a burning pleasure. Her mouth falls open, brows furrowing together the deeper he goes.

It's been a while.

Still, she moves up only to go back down, the two of them never breaking eye contact. She's overstimulated, it's his fault, but she doesn't mind. She never does. She simply trusts Tyler to go slower afterwards, and he always does.

"So gorgeous," Tyler murmurs.

Finally, Josh looks away. She falls onto his chest and moans.

Tyler holds her head. 

He rocks his hips another time, toes curling when she clenches around him, making everything surreal. It takes some time, some adjusting, but Josh eventually does sit back up and starts to do it herself. Tyler groans watching her move up and down his cock, so slow and careful, face flushing to match the color of her lipstick.

 

When they're together, no one else exists. The colors of the moon swallow them whole; it would be pitch black if they weren't glowing. Josh's skin is littered in pinks and reds-- especially her thighs-- because of how much Tyler holds that part of her body. Every moan is a breath, trying so hard to keep that peace, as minimal disturbance as possible.

Though, as Josh's eyes roll to the back of her head, immediately her heart picks up its speed for another reason.

Kelly knocks at the door.

They both pause.

Tyler clears his throat, holding Josh down onto him so she can't move. "Yeah?" He shouts, head turned to the door. Watching it.

"I came to wish you goodnight." She says.

Josh looks down at him with concern written all across her face when Tyler looks back to her. He shrugs, shaking his head. "I love you." He decides, shouting another time for his mother to hear. He's definitely not willing to get up, hell no.

There's a pause. "I love you too, Ty."

Tyler waits until he can hear her walk away, but she never does.

"And you, Josh." She finally gets out. 

Josh is struggling so hard. Sitting here like this, only being able to feel Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, and nothing more-- it's killing her. She can't think straight, all she can think about is how much she wants to bounce, and kiss him, and _cum_. God. Fuck.

"I-I love you too!" She yells, voice cracking.

Tyler laughs.

Josh pinches his nipple.

"Ow! What the fuck?" He whispers. 

Josh says nothing, only listening to Kelly _finally_ walk off. It feels like she can breathe again as soon as it happens.

Once Josh looks back at Tyler, he's frowning, holding one of his pecs. "You're so mean."

"Don't laugh at me." She argues.

Tyler sighs. "Can we keep going? This is fucking torture." 

Josh nods. "Please."

Tyler moves his hand to Josh's waist opposed to his chest, and out of surprise, he's flipping them around so Josh's back is against the bed instead. He stares down at her, fingers trailing up to her hip when her dress exposes her front side.

"Can I touch you?" He wonders.

Josh is sometimes hesitant about it when she's purple. And although Tyler touched her earlier, he isn't sure whether she told him to stop because she was uncomfortable, or just because she was about to finish.

He's asking for clarity.

Josh nods. "Yes."

"Okay." He mumbles, finally pulling out. He pushes right back in of course, leaning down to suck on Josh's neck while his hand moves to her front, carefully begin to jack her off again. It's slow like the pace of his hips, following his own rhythm, and Josh feels like she's falling into a void.

She whimpers. "Fuck,"

"Such a good girl." He whispers, free hand holding up one of her legs when he bucks his hips forward another time.

Josh throws her head back. " _Ty_ \--"

He shushes her, thumb moving around in circles at her slit.

Josh can't help the noises.

So maybe Tyler's right about her not being able to keep quiet, but whatever.

She brings her hand in front of her mouth, eyes rolling back again. Tyler's so gentle, and that's what makes the pleasure so much better. They go hard often, most times, really, and the fact that he's only thinking about how to treat her best is overwhelming. Every thrust is a breath, every tug is an inhale.

"You're gonna cum when I tell you." Tyler says against her mouth after kissing, already being able to tell how close she is.

Josh shakes her head. "Ty-- Ty, no, I can't."

Tyler nods. "Yes, you can."

"Ty, please." She could cry. "Not. . ." She clears her throat. "Not when your mom is right beside us, please."

Tyler huffs, nodding again. "Okay." He moves his hips forward, making Josh buck hers up. She gasps, eyes squeezing shut when he does it another time. "Right there, then?"

Josh nods frantically. "Yes, yes, yes." She whimpers again. Always whimpering. Especially when Tyler simply uses two fingers to move up and down on her tip, so delicate-- such a malicious act, but it's _so_ good. "I'm close." She moans, gripping onto his arm when he bucks his hips slowly, yet so god damn forcefully. "Fuck!" She exclaims, and immediately, her eyes widen.

Tyler's laughing, again. "Shh!" He lets out.

Josh is flushed head to toe, for multiple reasons. She wants to be more embarrassed, but then he does it again, and he begins using his entire hand opposed to just his fingers. He tugs her dick a few times, then stops, thrusts, tugs her dick a few more times.

Josh is scrambling around the bed like she's in a panic. Her thighs are shaking, her arms flail, her eyes well up with tears.

"Cum, baby." Tyler murmurs.

Josh is panting, exhale, exhale, exhale, inhale. "Make sure it-it doesn't get on my dress."

Tyler says nothing, he only pulls out and leans down to suck on her tip. Josh whines, god, does she whine, and Tyler is shoving two fingers in her ass before she can even think, pressing on her walls, curling them so well. 

Josh cries.

It's a good cry.

She pushes down on his fingers in a desperate attempt to reach her peak, throwing an arm over her mouth while staring at the ceiling, tears rolling down her cheeks. Tyler doesn't go further than her tip either, but that's okay, because that's all she needs. Tyler's free hand moves around to find hers, and once he does find it, they link fingers. Josh immediately bucks her hips afterwards, filling up Tyler's mouth with so much warmth he's set for winter.

It happens in the blink of an eye. Seriously. Right afterwards, Josh is falling slump, like she can sleep right then and there.

And then, she can feel Tyler swallow.

It's so much.

He pulls his fingers out of her, which leaves Josh to sigh from the loss, chest moving up and down frantically from how hard she's panting. 

Josh is blinking, and blinking, and blinking, trying to come back to reality. When her mind is a little more clear, she opens her eyes to see Tyler staring right back at her. "Open your mouth." He gets out. "Please." He then says.

Josh confused, but then she hears it. He's jerking himself off, fast.

"My dress," she reminds.

"Take it off--" he groans. "Take it off, please. I'm gonna cum."

Josh nods quickly, beginning to slip her dress over her head once Tyler moves back a little. As soon as she does, Tyler stands up on his bed, using the post as support to keep himself up. Josh goes into position naturally; kneeling in front of him and sticking her tongue out flat as he beats himself off in her face.

Tyler throws his head back as soon as he moves his hand even faster. "Fuck," he moans. Then, groans, looking back down at Josh. "Close your eyes, baby."

Josh does.

She's still panting, still out of breath, but she gets a burst of energy when she's hit in the face multiple times with something just as warm as Tyler's heart. Some lands on the bridge of her nose, more falling on her tongue, dripping down onto her stomach. 

It's messy.

They both like it.

Time freezes then. Tyler slowly moves his hand away from his cock, his entire body having been taken a toll on and all he can do is breathe through it. Even Josh can barely move, all she feels capable of doing is bringing her tongue back into her mouth and swallowing whatever she possibly can.

She's burning up.

Tyler is, too.

He carefully moves to sit back down on the bed, pulling his boxers and sweatpants up. Josh only leans so they're face to face, touching his neck, pleading with her eyes for something she's unaware of.

"Let me lick it off you." He whispers, chest up, chest down.

Josh shakes her head. "I want it."

Tyler pauses. Blinks. Smiles. Laughs. "We're kinda weird, aren't we?" 

Josh can't help but smile as well. "You're just now noticing this?" 

Tyler hums, lifting his hand to swipe all the semen off her nose. He stick his fingers out for her afterwards, and easily, she's leaning forward, wrapping her lips around it and sucking. It's so hot. Tyler can already feel himself getting turned on again, but he ignores it, knowing completely that his mom definitely heard them, and he isn't willing to let her endure anything else.

He gets all the semen off of Josh's stomach instead, but opposed to letting Josh clean it off from his hand, he says, "Keep it there." And she does once it's on her tongue.

Tyler just stares at her for a moment.

She's perfect.

Perfect.

He finally leans forward and kisses her, then, licks up her tongue, gasping like a fucking fool when he tastes himself.

Josh smiles lazily watching him swallow. "We're crazy."

"I guess that's why we work so well together." He mumbles.

"I guess so." Josh whispers.

After a while, things finally calm down. The aura isn't lustful, but completely full of love and safety. Josh changes into her boxers and wears one of Tyler's shirts, putting her bandana away in her bag once taking it off. She also eventually goes to wash her face, watching all the time she spent becoming the person she knows she is widdle away.

It's okay, though. There's always tomorrow.

Afterwards, Tyler turns the TV on and shuts the lights off. The two of them end up spooning, watching Dr.Phil.

They fall asleep like that, Josh in Tyler's arms, still on a high, simply riding it into dreamland.

***

In the morning, Tyler takes Josh outside. He shoots hoops while Josh draws.

This happens often. Since Tyler isn't always home, he uses his time to practice making it into the basket as much as possible. He doesn't stop either until he makes at least fifty, which in the beginning was aggravating for Josh when they first started dating but now they don't mind it so much. It gives them time to get some sun, draw, bask in Tyler's presence.

Number seventeen, Tyler still has yet to say a word to Josh. It's fine though, the silence isn't terrible. Josh simply draws a dandelion they ripped from the grass, a gentle smile on their face, a natural one.

They're still only wearing Tyler's shirt and their boxers. The breeze is nice-- it will be summer soon, anyways.

Number twenty is when Tyler sighs, throwing for twenty-one, making it easily. "Babe," he pipes up.

Josh lifts their head up. "Yeah?"

Tyler only glances to them for a moment. He walks over to grab his ball, then walks all the way to the end of the driveway, aiming. "I was just thinking. . ." He starts, seeming a little hesitant, which makes Josh worry.

Tyler shoots, misses. He's distracted with something else.

"What's up, Ty?"

He sighs another time, going to retrieve the ball again. "I know you said you don't wanna talk about this anymore. . . But yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking about it, ever since the mall." He bites his lip, eyes concerned. "Josh, seeing you in your dress, looking so pretty with makeup, it made me realize how much happier you are when you just express yourself they way you need to."

Josh knows where this is going.

Their jaw clenches while closing their sketch pad, giving him all their unwanted attention.

Tyler finally meets their eyes. "I know you're scared. I know. But. . . I think it would be really, really good for you to tell your mom and dad."

Josh feels like they're sinking.

"No." They say. "Every time we talk about this, I tell you the same thing." The amount of times they have spoken about this to each other is absurd. "I can't. I won't. At least not while I live with them, Tyler. Not when they can prevent me from doing anything just because they're uncomfortable, or they don't understand."

Tyler huffs. "You're their kid, Josh! Do you really think they're going to treat you any differently?"

"Yes! Yes! Why do you think I haven't told them yet?"

The subject is sensitive. 

Tyler knows, but he can't take it.

"Because you're scared of being yourself around anyone else other than my mom and I." Tyler replies, basketball at his hip.

"That's not true." Josh mutters. "You know. It's not easy. Every time I even think about possibly telling them I have a fucking _panic_ attack."

It's true. Sadly.

"Josh, I love you so much." Tyler walks closer to them. "I hate seeing how miserable you are. It's never going to get any better if you don't tell them. I know it scares you, but good things come from fear, sometimes. That's how you know they're important to you."

Tyler tries to run a hand through their hair, but they pull away.

They cross their arms over their chest, obviously pissed off, and all Tyler manages to do is blink in disbelief. 

"You don't understand." They whisper. "You never had to come out. No one in your family gives a damn if we're together." Josh looks away from him, down the street, anywhere but him. "I want you to stop acting like it's easier than it is. You have no idea. No fucking clue. It hurts my feelings how you disregard everything I keep telling you because _you_ think it would be better for me."

Tyler knows it will be better for them. He won't tell them they're in denial though, because that would only upset them more.

"My mom accepts you. Never once treated you different ever since we told her." He comments. "She's not even related to you. Yet you think your own parents wouldn't do the same?"

Josh's chest moves up in down, absolutely livid.

They stand up, face him. "That's why it's harder to tell them!" They yell.

Tyler's eyes widen.

"I live with my parents! I see them practically every day! Do you know how much I see your mom? Not nearly as much!" They breathe in and out, hastily. "That's why I could do it. If she didn't approve, I'd rarely have to see her. Tyler, why don't you understand that if my parents didn't accept me, I would hate myself even more than I already do. Not just my parents, but my entire family. They love me. They love me! I-I can't lose that, not because I'm fucked up."

Tyler shakes his head. "Stop saying that. Stop. You always say that."

Josh does nothing other than pick their sketchpad up from the grass and begin walking towards the front door. 

"Where you going?"

"To get my stuff." They murmur.

Tyler shakes his head. "Are you seriously going to leave?"

Josh turns around to look at him. "Yes." They state. "I don't want to be around boyfriend if he doesn't even respect how I feel. Feel about something _I_ should be dealing with on my own."

"Josh, please, just listen to me for a second." Tyler pleads. 

"No. Because you don't the same." They turn back around and walk off, through the door, leaving Tyler outside on his own.

Josh practically stomps through the house until they get to Tyler's bedroom, immediately slipping off his shirt and putting on their own, as well as a pair of joggers. They pick their dress up from the floor, tossing it into Tyler's closet, beginning to put their shoes on.

It's then, when Josh is sniffling to keep themself from crying, where Kelly comes into the room.

"Josh, what's wrong?"

They shake their head, sniffling another time. "I can't be around Tyler right now." They murmur, feeling a little guilty for walking right past her without any further information, but Josh can't be here any longer. They might explode.

Josh slips their keys out from their bag, walking back outside.

They pause when they see Tyler leaning onto the hood of their car. "Stop." They say. 

"Please stay. Please." Tyler's intentions were never for this to happen. "You know I didn't bring it up to upset you. I just thought you might be in a better place to talk about it."

"Well, I'm not." Josh states, walking closer. "Get off my car."

"Let's forget about it." He decides.

Josh can't believe any of it. They roll their eyes, shaking their head. "No!" 

"Baby, please. I'm sorry."

Josh ignores him, unlocking the door. "I'm going home." Is all they say.

"You're already home." Tyler whispers, eyes like glass.

"It doesn't feel like it." Josh throws their bag into the backseat and sits down in front of the wheel, closing the door before Tyler can say anything else. They start the car, and while they pull out of the driveway, they watch a tear fall down Tyler's cheek.

He wipes it away easily, shaking his head.

Josh is gone after that. 

There's such an immense pain in their chest, it aches. They drive with their knuckles turning white from how hard they grip the wheel, crying to themself on the way home.

They just don't understand. Tyler's never that insensitive. But, as soon as they talk about Josh's issue, it's only ever about what he thinks is the best solution. It's no secret Josh is scared-- fucking petrified, really-- and fear is so much more powerful than any determination. Nothing he says will change that.

Perhaps, maybe the truth will never come out.

There's only so much comfort in that.


	3. Part 3

When Josh finally makes it to their house, they unlock the door in a hasty manner, passing by everyone as soon as they're inside. They're just crying, and crying, and crying. It's all they feel like doing, so of course everyone is concerned when they see this, as well as Josh rushing up the stairs and into their bedroom.

They throw their bag aside, not even giving themself time to take off their shoes before they're getting onto the bed and curling into a ball, sobbing louder than they ever have.

Like they're in pain.

Which, it feels like they are. In every way.

Josh can't even catch when, but Abby and Ashley-- maybe their mom, too-- all come into the room, trying to see what's wrong.

Of course they get nothing out of them. Laura runs her hand in circles on Josh's back, shushing them, while Abby and Ashley both are attempting to get any answer from them. It's no use. They're an absolute blubbering mess, and it's to the point where their head is so clouded they can't tell who's taking off their shoes for them. Jordan? Their dad?

Who knows.

"Just leave him alone, girls." Bill pipes up.

Josh knows who it is now, but that's not the thing their mind focuses on. Instead of feeling any better, any comfort, they're sobbing louder, more merciless, thinking that maybe if they scream, they would pass out.

"Did Tyler do something?" Abby wonders.

"What did I just say!" Bill scolds. "Leave him alone. Let your mom help him."

Josh screams, then.

They scream, horrifically, and they can't even worry about what anyone else is thinking. They scream, thinking that they might have made the wrong choice by coming back. They scream, shoving their face into pillows and getting as little oxygen as possible. They scream, not able to notice the way their parents are rushing out questions, asking them to breathe.

They scream, and before they know it, they pass out.

***

When Josh wakes up, they're delirious. They blink their eyes open, hand slowly moving to wipe the sweat off of their forehead, groaning at anything and everything.

"Josh, baby?"

It's their mom.

Josh sighs.

She brushes their hair out of their face, and once Josh finally opens their eyes, they look up at her tiredly, head in her lap. Laura smiles with only her lips, a washed look in her eyes when staring down at them. There's so much to say, ask, but there's also so much hesitance along with that.

"Are you feeling any better?" She wonders, softly.

Josh gulps. "I'm fine." They whisper.

Laura shakes her head. "You're not allowed to say that after what happened."

Josh tugs at the neckline of their shirt, feeling so unbelievably hot. "What time is it?"

"Just past noon." She replies. It has been a couple of hours. . . Maybe they just needed to sleep, though. Relax. Get their mind off of what it had been stressing over. Even if they did pass out from being overwhelmed, Josh is positive it was the only way out of that situation without upsetting anyone else.

Thankfully, they're still in their room, and thankfully, everyone else has left them alone.

"Can you tell me what happened, sweetie? I haven't seen you that upset in. . . God, I can't even remember." She runs her fingers through Josh's tangled, sweaty curls, probably noticing how long they have become over time, but not mentioning it.

Josh shakes their head. "It's nothing."

Laura doesn't seem pleased. "Josh, don't say that. I know that's not true." She exhales headfully. "What happened."

They close their eyes, unable to meet their mother's stare any longer. "Tyler and I were arguing. I was just being dramatic, don't worry." Their Adam's apple bobs at the thought of why they were arguing, trying to brush it off as much as possible even though every time Laura touches their hair, their heart beats faster.

"I have to worry, honey. You're my son." A bullet wound. "Can you tell me what you were arguing about?"

Josh wants to cry again. "I'm okay." They croak out, biting their lip to refrain themself from acting on their sadness, their immaturity.

Laura sighs in response, seeming to understand she isn't going to get anything from them.

There's some silence, some thoughts, and when Josh finally opens their eyes again, Laura cocks her head. "Were you wearing makeup?" She holds onto their cheek, moving their face around to look.

 

 

 

Josh can throw up. Maybe they will. The rush of panic that flows through them is painful, and immediately, they're flushing, making their whole body even more hot than it already was. For a moment, they're unable to get a single thing out, it's only an agape mouth with a lack of words.

  
Think of something, fast.

"Tyler had a field day with me." They mutter, and as soon as it comes out, it just sounds wrong. They're blushing even more, hiding their face behind their hands. "Not-not like that, Mom. Sorry. No. No." _Yes_. "He just was messing around with his mom's shit and used me like a--"

That's not any better.

Laura can't help but laugh. "Okay, Josh. It's fine."

They groan into their hands.

Laura pulls her fingers out from their hair, relaxing a little more. "For the record, I already know." She suddenly states. "You didn't leave with all those hickeys."

Josh wants to sink through the bed and never be seen again. It feels like the best option, definitely. They don't move their hands away from their face either, far too embarrassed to look their mom in the eye right now. Too ashamed. Guilty.

" _God_ ," they moan in distress.

"You're being safe, right? You better be, Josh, I swear, if I'm letting you go to your boyfriend's and you two aren't--"

"We are! We are!" Josh rolls over until they're able to move off of her lap and instead shove their face into pillows. "Please, let's stop talking about it." They mumble although it's barely audible.

Laura sighs. "Tell me what's wrong, then. Actually."

Josh shakes their head. "No. It's between him and I."

It really isn't, but Josh is always in denial. Always.

Laura sighs another time-- what if she's already dissapointed in them? Josh feels themself shrink at the thought. They're losing her without having to expose the one thing that can ruin it all. Fuck. What did they do wrong?

"Fine." She whispers. Her weight is lifted off the bed as she stands up, slowly making her way towards the door. Josh turns to their side to look at her once again, throat tight, Adam's apple feeling thick, restrained. The two of them simply stare at one another for a moment, and Josh easily notices her concern while she's holding onto the doorknob. "You know you can tell anything, right? I know I'm your mom, and some stuff feels weird to say. . . But I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what. That's my job. You know that, yeah?"

It's like she looked into their soul and said what Josh has been hoping for in return for months on end.

They clear their throat, feeling uneasy. "Yeah." They murmur.

Laura nods. "You may not feel comfortable telling me now, but if you do, I'm here for you, Josh. And so is your father. And your siblings." Is there an underlying message or is Josh only paranoid? They sink further into their bed, eyes widening subtly. "We love you, and we always will."

Josh hopes their frantic state of mind isn't obvious. They're freaking the _fuck_ out.

"I love you guys, too." They whisper.

Laura examines their frame, seeing it shake slightly. "Rest, now. You really scared all of us earlier. Please don't ever scream like that again."

Josh is going to cry. They know now. "Sorry." They croak out.

Laura nods, opening the door. "Tyler has been blowing up your phone, by the way." She mentions, about the walk out, but Josh snaps their attention back to her.

"You-you didn't read anything he texted, right?"

Laura pauses, eyebrows furrowing a little. "No, sweetie."

Josh feels like they can breathe just a little bit better. They close their eyes, leaning their head back, nodding. "Okay." They exhale. "I love you." Maybe it's dumb, but all they can think afterwards is _please say it back, and please mean it._ They're so vulnerable, so needy, so terrified.

Laura smiles. "I love you too."

She walks out after that, closing the door behind her.

Immediately, tears fall down Josh's cheeks. They inhale, taking into account what might of just happen, exhaling with a sob. They shake their head out of pure panic, reaching for their phone beside them on the bed. Josh can't help but feel a twinge in their chest when seeing over five missed calls from Tyler, and numerous texts.

 **i'm** **sorry** **.**

**please come back.**

**i** **didn't** **mean to upset you angel, you know** **that** **.**

 **do whatever makes you the most** **comfortable** **. that's the only thing that will ever** **matter** **to me, and i'm** **sorry** **if it seemed like** **that's** **not true.**

 **i know it's a hard** **subject** **for you to talk about. i** **don't** **blame** **you** **for being** **upset** **, i know it's all my** **fault** **. i guess i** **really** **don't** **understand** **what it's like to come out,** **especially** **as gender-fluid,** **so** **i have no room to speak** **about** **it. i** **thought** **that overtime something** **would** **finally** **give you the courage to tell your mom** **and** **dad, and i** **really** **thought** **buying you** **your** **dress was exactly that. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i** **can't** **say it enough.**

 **if** **you're** **not comfortable** **telling** **them** **until we live on our own** **together** **, and have jim,** **that's** **okay.**

 **if** **you're** **not comfortable telling** **them** **at all,** **that's** **okay too. as** **long** **as** **you're** **happy** **.**

Josh isn't happy though. God, they're so fucking miserable it's traumatizing. When they're home, they spend most of their time in their bedroom on any day that isn't blue because they can't stand being played as someone else. They can yell if they wanted to, point at their wrist and shout what it means, but they won't. Being ashamed of themself is more terrifying than hiding themself.

Yet, hiding themself, they're ashamed, too.

It seems as though any solution is none.

Josh is stuck.

They cry more, reading through the rest of Tyler's messages. It's not until they get to the last one where the panic settles in seconds, real, _pure_ panic.

 **i see you reading these,** **please** **answer** **me.**

It was sent an hour ago.

Josh wasn't up an hour ago.

Josh didn't read those messages.

Like the Titanic, their heart is impaled, sinking. Fear floods their system imitating ice cold water, and before they know it, they're hyperventilating faster than anyone on that ship was able to do CPR.

Josh's first response is to find the answer. No matter how frail their body feels, how unclear their concious is, they're jumping out of bed, throwing the door open. They look left and right, pulse deafening them the longer they stand still.

Just when they're about to move, Ashley comes up the stairs, on her phone, but looks up with a smile when seeing Josh.

"Hey, are you feeling any better--"

"Where's Mom, Ashley. Where's Mom?" They rush out, gasping for breath at this point.

Ashley furrows her eyebrows. "She's in the livingroom. . . Are you okay--"

Josh doesn't stay long enough to listen. In the blink of an eye, they're rushing down the stairs, into the the livingroom where both Laura and Bill are watching TV. Josh doesn't care anymore. They see her, and a fire burns in their chest. Not because of anxiety, but because they're furious. And this fury comes from a place of absolute insecurity.

"You lied to me!" They scream.

Laura is frozen. "What?"

"You--" Josh whimpers, wiping their tears away pathetically. "You lied to me! You read the texts! You saw! You know!"

It can't be real. The words are coming from their mouth, but Josh wishes it was all fake. Laura can't know. She can't. Josh needs to keep this secret until it's impossible to-- there's no way that time has come so soon. No. No. This isn't real.

Laura pauses the show, standing up. She walks towards them, carefully reaching out to place a hand on their shoulder, but Josh pulls away.

"Stop! Please!" They're getting dizzy, sick. They might need to throw up.

Laura frowns. "Josh, I. . . I have no idea what you're talking about. I swear I didn't look at anything on your phone." Her hand shakes away, not wanting to upset them even more than they already are.

"I know you did! Stop lying to me!" Josh is trembling. "You were in my room the whole time, weren't you? You're the only one that could have seen them! You know! You know!" Josh comes to the realization painfully. As soon as it hits them, their breath stutters, eyes widening. "You know I'm-I'm. . ."

They cry so hard nothing else comes out besides their sobs, and they cry harder when their dad gets up from the couch and joins them. He doesn't try to touch them like Laura does, the two of them simply talk with their eyes while Josh crumbles.

Laura clears her throat. "Josh, I. . . I didn't read them." This is bullshit. Why does she insist on lying? "I was with you the majority of the time you were asleep to make sure you'd take care of yourself when you woke up, but, um, I did leave for a little while to make everyone lunch."

_No._

"Someone else must've read them." Bill murmurs, his voice cracking slightly. "And it wasn't me, either."

_No._

Laura sighs. "Jordan, Abby, Ashley! Get in here right now!"

_No._

"No, no, no!" Josh's fingers slip into their hair, pulling at it while dropping to the floor. This isn't real. Laura doesn't know, Bill doesn't know. Jordan? Abby? Ashley? They don't know, either. No way. Of course not. "No, no, no!" Their mind spins, acid coming up in their stomach.

"Josh, stand up, please." Bill voices. "It's okay. It's okay."

"Nothing is okay!" They yell.

They rock back and forth, barely blinking, entire body in shock.

"We're right here with you. Just breathe. You need to breathe." He crouches down to their height, grabbing their hands to move them away so they can't pull at their hair anymore. He leans forward and kisses Josh's forehead. "It's okay."

Josh can't stop crying.

They realize quickly that this might be the last time they will ever get affection like this. The real kind. The authentic kind.

At the thought, they're shoving their face into their father's chest, wrapping their arms around him and holding tightly until their fingers are digging into his skin. They sob. Terrified. "I--" inhale. "I--" inhale. "I love you so m-uch." They can't let go now, not when Bill holds them back and acts as though they're an infant again. He'd probably even cradle them if he could. "Please, please," they whimper. "Please don't stop loving me back."

Bill shakes his head. "I'd never." He whispers. "What makes you think--"

Before he's able to finish, Josh's siblings come into the room. All nervous, all scared.

Bill still doesn't let Josh go.

"Who was it." Laura demands.

The confusion written across their faces is absurd.

Abby blinks, fiddling with the end of her shorts. "Who was what?" She wonders after a moment.

Laura has her arms crossed over her chest, lips pursed, head tilted. "One of you read through Josh's messages while I was making lunch." She states. The reality of it is what makes the tears so much more intense. "That's not okay. Whoever it was needs to say so, right now. Please."

When the silence takes over another time, Bill finally helps Josh off the floor. They stand with weak knees and a heavy heart, feeling exposed, vulnerable. Someone knows.

Someone who is looking right back at them knows their biggest secret.

Someone who is looking right back at them ripped the bandaid off.

"Are you kidding me?" Laura is flabbergasted.

Jordan's subtly-showing Adam's apple bobs, pulling his beanie down a little further. "Uh. . . What are you gonna do to the person who did it?"

Bill has an arm around Josh's shoulders. "Well, whoever it is needs to apologize right now, because Josh has worked himself into a fucking frenzy over this. It's the least you can do."

Jordan's eyebrows pull together naturally. Josh notices the way his chest is moving up and down frantically unlike anyone else's. "Josh, I'm sorry," He finally blurts out.

Josh feels like death has pulled them down by their ankles.

They don't know what else to do besides turn in their father's hold and cry into his side, thinking that this is one sick nightmare to be having when things were going so well. Well enough, at least.

Laura shakes her head. "Why!" She exclaims.

Jordan frowns. "Because. . ." He sighs. "Because I wanted to know what happened, and, well, I knew Tyler would have known. I don't have his number so I just thought I would call from Josh's phone but then I saw all the messages he sent and--" he glances to Josh, the guilt obviously tearing him apart. "And I saw what happened. What. . . What they were fighting about. . ."

Josh is waiting to wake up.

Any second now.

_Please._

"Jordan, you shouldn't have done that." Laura whispers.

"I know that now! I didn't think-- I don't know!"

"If you knew, well, why didn't you tell us then? Why'd you keep it to yourself?" She wonders. Why? Why is she wondering that? Has this happened before? No. No. It couldn't have. Josh is just paranoid, their mind is looking for anything to grasp besides the actual situation.

"Because. . . That would be crappy of me. I already feel bad that I know now. It's something he should've told us when he's ready-- wait, sorry, I don't know. Josh. God. I'm sorry." Jordan's nerves eat away at him, along with Josh themself.

They only shake their head, still not looking at anyone.

There's a pause.

"Josh, sweetie." Laura starts.

_Stop._

"Can you tell us what it is?" She wonders gently, fingers soothing down their back.

_Stop._

"It seems a little pointless to keep it from us now." She tries, she really does, but Josh wants none of it. They never would have thought this time would come so soon. Not when Tyler isn't by their side to calm them down, or while they're still living in the same house.

Josh shakes their head. "No." They croak out.

Jordan sighs. "Just tell them. It's okay, Josh. They're aren't going to not accept you-- I'm not, either."

Josh feels like a broken record. Skipping over a line, repeating another. They shake their head again.

Laura pulls their head out from Bill's side. "Honey, whatever it is, it's okay. I promise. Just take a few deep breaths and say it." She assures.

Josh sniffles, wiping their nose while their eyes scan Laura's, then Jordan's, then Ashley's, and Abby's, and finally, their father's. They're stuck once again, but in another way. Whether there's a light at the end of the tunnel or not, it's unclear, and all Josh wishes for is Tyler's hand. He'd tell them how well they were doing already, just being able to stand here and look them in the eye, or how he's positive no one under this roof will treat them any differently once the truth is out. Then he would follow it up by saying _besides accepting_ _and_ _supporting the real you, of course,_ and Josh would smile. Wait, no, they're smiling now. It fades away quickly though, yet that moment of reassurance is what Josh breathes in and out, takes it for desert.

"I'm gender-fluid." They whisper.

Death still has a tight grip on them while they stand there, because the response is unclear.

Bill blinks. Laura does too. And maybe Ashley and Abby-- it seems simultaneous.

Laura continues rubbing up and down Josh's back after a moment, nodding. "Okay." She gets out.

Josh's eyebrows furrow. "Okay?"

Laura brushes a strand of their hair back. "Josh, sweetie, it's a parent's job go be on top of these things. We've thought you were a girl, maybe, but we were definitely right about something. Your dad and I have known for a long time it wasn't just you liking boys." She gives a careful smile, Josh is flushed. "I. . . I can't say I really know what that is, but no matter _what_ it is, that's okay. As long as you explain it to us, and that you're happy."

Josh can cry for a whole other reason.

Fuck Tyler for being right.

"You. . . You knew. . .?" They ask quietly.

Laura shrugs. "To an extent."

"Why didn't you ask me about it, then?" They wonder, too many thoughts rushing to their head at once.

"Because, coming out should be something you do on your own." Laura states. "Even though this was provoked by _someone_ ," she glances to Jordan; he smiles nervously. "I'm so proud of you. Okay? Don't cry anymore. You're alright."

Josh nods, brushing their fallen tears away.

Bill's grip at their shoulder tightens. "Don't be scared. You're safe with us." He looks to Josh's siblings. "Right?"

Abby, Jordan, Ashley, they all nod.

Josh has never felt safer. Free. Alive. They can't help the tears as the continue falling, a smile eating away at their face. They bring their parents into a tight hug, rubbing their nose on their father's shirt, getting snot on it, but he doesn't mind. "Thank you." They whisper. "Thank you, thank you."

Bill and Laura both kiss the top of their head. "Thank you for telling us."

They pull away, breathing in, breathing out. The difference this time is that it feels like they can actually breathe. Josh is only just now recognizing that they were restraining themself from this the entire time.

"You said you and Tyler were arguing." Laura suddenly mentions. "Does he. . . Does he not accept you? Because, if that's the case, I don't think--"

"No. No." Josh can laugh. The irony. "We, um. . . We were arguing because he was telling me how he thinks I should've told you guys soon. I got really upset with him." They murmur.

God, Josh needs to talk to him now.

"He accepts me, believe me." Josh swallows thickly. "He was the only person who knew, for a long time. We ended up telling his mom too."

"Kelly knows?" Bill asks.

Josh nods. "Kelly knows."

He looks shocked.

Laura steps forward at that, holding onto their arm. "Can you tell us everything? I'd like to understand, too."

Josh's anxiety is still at a high. Nonetheless, they nod. "Yeah. But, um, can we do it, just you and dad? I just--" they glance to their siblings. "Having everyone around is scary and I'm feeling really anxious right now--"

"Of course, baby." Laura smiles, squeezing their arm.

Josh exhales out of relief. "Okay." Josh looks to their parents. "Can we go to my room?"

They both nod, so with that, they're slowly making their way upstairs. Of course not until Josh hugs each one of their siblings and thanks them repeatedly, which they all just hug them tighter because of, but afterwards, they move to their bedroom.

It's a little awkward at first, no one really knowing where to sit, but Laura and Bill stay at the end of the bed together, so Josh sits against the headboard.

After being there in complete silence for a moment, their eyes suddenly widen when it hits them that this is _real_. It isn't so much a nightmare like they assumed it would be, it's more like a dream. Their parents just accepted them without any hesitance, their parents are asking them for clarity, their parents still _love_ them.

"Josh, are you okay?" Bill asks.

Josh blinks a few times. "I. . . I can't believe that I. . . I told you." The tears have stopped falling, thankfully, but it already feels like they might come back at this realization. "I didn't think I would tell you until I moved out. . . Or maybe ever. . . Oh, my god. You know now. Oh, my _god_."

Laura tangles her fingers with theirs. "Hey, breathe."

Josh nods. "Yeah. Yeah. Okay."

"You don't have anything to worry about. The hard part is over now." Bill mentions, and he's so right.

The hard part is over.

Josh did it. They really, really did it.

All those years they spent keeping it a secret only to say it and be accepted so simply is humiliating, but past that, they're proud of themself. They actually came out. Something they weren't sure they would ever do. Not only did they come out, but the response was more than they could ever wish for.

Josh is fucking overwhelmed.

"Um," they croak out. "I-I don't know where to start."

Laura nods, then looks down at their wrist. "Do the bandanas have anything to do with it?"

Josh stares at her. "What the hell," they say. "Why do you-- how do you know so much already?"

She purses her lips into a small smile. "You bought them with birthday money. I don't know any other kid who would by bandanas with birthday money." She pauses, but continues when realizing that's not an explanation. "When I asked you why you bought them, you got all flushed and said you just liked the way they looked. Josh, you're such a bad liar."

They sigh. "So you know that I put the makeup on myself," they murmur, going back to that because they haven't stopped thinking about it.

Laura nods. "Yes."

Josh glances at their father after that, feeling strange. They can't help but wonder if he feels like he failed raising _him_ , because what father wants to see their _son_ sneaking around femininity?

Though, he doesn't seem to mind.

"Kelly let's me wear her makeup when I'm feeling. . ." They swallow thickly. "When I'm feeling purple."

"When you feel purple?" Laura gets out.

Josh sighs, getting up from the bed. They let go of their mother's hand and move over to the duffel bag they brought to Tyler's, pulling out all of the bandanas. Purple, blue, pink, white-- Josh is wearing the green one. They walk back over to the bed and lay each of them out in front of their parents.

They point to the purple one. "Purple is when I feel. . ." They're blushing, embarrassed? This is difficult. "Really feminine. Like, um. . . a girl." Tears start welling in their eyes; Laura grabs their hand and kisses the back of it.

"It's okay. You're doing so well."

Josh exhales, nodding. They look back down at the bandanas. "I prefer using the pronouns to fit that when I'm, uh, purple." They mutter, having to confess this to their parents making everything surreal.

"She and her?" Bill wonders.

Josh looks at him, trembling. "Yeah." They whisper. "Is-is that okay?"

Bill nearly frowns. "Josh, you don't have to ask if your feelings are valid."

"I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable. . ." They say softly, almost inaudibly.

Bill shakes his head. "You don't have to worry about that. All that matters is that we make sure _you're_ not uncomfortable." He gives them a careful smile; it's so sincere. "Your feelings and thoughts don't affect us negatively, ever. Okay? So don't worry."

Josh has to close their eyes and bask in it for a moment. This blooming feeling in their chest is remarkable, unbelievable. They're still struggling to comprehend all of this is real.

Laura touches their side for a moment. "Keep going,"

They snap out of if, nodding.

They look back down at the bandanas and point to the blue one, breathing out. "This is he/him. Masculine." They move on to the pink, deciding blue is easier for them to grasp. "This one is just kind of when I feel all of them at once. I don't know. It sounds weird, and I don't really know how to explain it, but it makes sense to me."

Kelly stares, blinks, processes it.

Josh curls their toes when she looks up to them again. "What pronouns do we use then?"

Their heart swells and beats all at once, lips turning upwards. "Any is okay."

She nods. "And the white one?"

"That ones just kind of. . . Neutral. Does that make sense?" The look on their parent's face says it all. "I just mean that, um, usually pronouns matter a lot to me, but on days like that I feel alright with whatever. I know it sounds the same as pink, but it's not, believe me. I-I don't know how to explain the difference to you; it's how I feel."

Laura nods, and it's okay. Yeah.

"What about the one you're wearing right now?" Bill wonders.

Josh flushes a little. "Oh,"

Noticing the apprehension, Laura pulls Josh back down onto the bed and places a hand on their shoulder, rubbing it. "It's okay. You can tell us."

Josh bites the inside of their lip. "Green is when I feel like neither." They state, and before the confusion can set, they continue. "I use they/them pronouns. I don't feel like a girl, or a boy, or both at the same time."

"They/them?" Bill murmurs.

Josh nods.

He crosses his arms, humming. "I've never heard of that."

Laura chuckles. "Times are changing, honey."

Josh can't help but smile. They hold onto their mom's hand, leaning into her touch, sighing. They are so relieved to know they're still going to be able to do this, and that they're still going to feel like part of the family despite their differences.

"We're going to try our best, Josh. Promise." Bill assures.

Josh's grin speaks volumes.

"Is there anything else we should know?" Laura asks.

Josh nods in return, sitting up a little straighter. "You don't have to worry if you mess up. I. . . I understand. It's asking for a lot, I know. I just," they suck their bottom lip momentarily. "Thank you for listening to me. And. . . And treating me like your kid, still."

Laura leans forward to kiss their shoulder. "Of course." She whispers. "So, should we stop referring to you as our son? At least on days that aren't," she looks down at the bandanas. "Blue."

Josh swallows thickly. "If it's not too much to ask for."

She holds their cheek, cherishing them, relishing in their existence. It's so, so good. "It's never too much. We'll do whatever makes you most comfortable."

They keep smiling. "Thank you." They whisper. "And just in case you were wondering, it doesn't always change every day. It sometimes stays one color for a while. Like, right now I'm green, and I don't know how long it's gonna be like that, but if you can try to use the right pronouns. . . I'd really, really appreciate it." That reminds them. "Also, uh, if by any chance you don't know how I'm feeling one day, like, I'm not home, or I'm not wearing a bandana. . . If you can use they/them pronouns, too, just because it's neutral and safe."

Bill and Laura both nod. "Okay."

Josh nods as well, leg bouncing, eyes glancing back to their phone.

They just feel guilty, now. . .

"Mom, Dad," they start, heart in their throat. They look back up at them then, fiddling with their fingers, trying to focus on something other than all of the overflowing emotions. "I know this isn't a good time. . . I should really stay home and talk more with you. . . But--"

"Go see him." Bill answers before they can even finish.

Josh blinks. "Are you sure?"

"Definitely," he replies. "You two need to talk. We'll be here when you get back."

Josh smiles. They lean forward and stuff their face into his chest, arms wrapping around him. "Thank you." They whisper. "I'm. . . I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I was scared." They pause, taking it into consideration. "I'm still scared."

Bill rubs their back, Laura touches their shoulder. "Don't be." She kisses their temple. "Don't be."

Josh nods. "Okay." They inhale, exhale, pulling away. "I'll talk to you more once I get back, then."

"Definitely." Laura agrees. "Stay there as long as you need." She says while they stand from the bed, Josh putting the bandanas back in the bag after slipping their phone into their pocket. "We love you, babe."

Josh smiles to themself while holding the duffel bag strap on their shoulder. "I love you guys most."

Laura and Bill get up from the bed and bring them into, once again, another hug. Josh can't possibly be irritated by this, if anything, it's the one thing they need right now besides their boyfriend. They hold Josh tight to reassure them, to help them understand that things are surely to change, but simply for the better like they had always wished. They're overwhelmed with the truth being out, yet, nothing is better than this.

"I love you," they repeat. They need their parents to know.

"I love you, too." They say in unison. A whisper, but it somehow is louder than anything else.

Josh is in the sky. Soaring. A bird, a plane-- no. It changes, yet their identity is no longer a crisis, and it won't be ever again.

For that, they're grateful.

When the three of them pull apart and walk out, Josh's siblings rush away from the door, wide-eyed, faces flushed when realizing they were caught listening in.

Somehow, Josh can't even feel upset.

They smile.

Jordan does too, and that's all Josh needs to keep going. Heading down the stairs, pulling their keys out from a side pocket in the bag, and getting into their car. They don't play music on the ride over there, only because everything needs to settle. They need no distractions. The most bittersweet part of it all is that leaving their house actually, finally, feels like they're leaving _home_.

But, they're headed home, too. Home comes in many shapes and forms. Josh is learning that quickly.

 

 

 

***

When Josh knocks on the front door, their anxiety picks up quickly. They acted immature, out of insecurity-- they have a bad habit of doing that. And Tyler always has to deal with it, which leaves Josh feeling guilty right afterwards, just like now. There's no excuse for it. They don't know how else to act at such a sensitive topic, even if their boyfriend is right.

They bite their lip when the door handle gets touched, heart dropping to their toes seeing Tyler. 

They blink, he blinks.

It's only been a few hours, but they're so pathetically in love, it feels like years.

Tyler cracks a smile when seeing them, and without a second to pass, lunges forward to bring them into a hug. He holds Josh tight, tight, and tighter, which flips the switch and brings reality to the table faster than Josh can swallow it whole.

They cry against him, fists tangles in his shirt.

"What's wrong?" Tyler whispers. He runs his fingers through the back of their hair as he kisses their head. Josh listens to the way his heartbeat is frantic.

"Nothing is wrong, Ty." Josh murmurs. They sniffle, grinning like a fool up at him. "Everthing is so, so right."

Tyler furrows his eyebrows. "Come in, okay?" He brushes the curls in their face back, basking in their natural beauty. Their presence. He missed it. He misses Josh no matter what instance, yes, but when they're apart and not on good terms, it makes it so much worse. "I've been freaking out. I'm glad you're okay. You were scaring me."

Josh only drags him inside, closing the door behind them. They don't talk until they're in Tyler's room, Josh's bag tossed aside, a blooming in their chest. Tyler doesn't take their hands off of them, and Josh has no problem with it. They lean their head against his chest, breathing him in, exhaling gratefulness. 

"You're in a better mood." Tyler states.

Josh is still crying. They can't stop at this point, but they suppose they have the right to.

"I did it." They whisper. 

Tyler freezes.

He pulls Josh away from him, holding their arms while looking into their eyes. He says nothing, simply cocking his head, and Josh nods with a chuckle while wiping tears away.

Tyler's eyes widen. "Holy shit," he chokes out.

Immediately, he pulls Josh against his chest again, rubbing up and down their back while Josh lets it all out. It's not from sadness, that's for sure, it's pure relief. Josh has never felt so alive from the truth. They can't completely wrap their head around the whole situation because it has yet to really, really hit them, but they're riding on the high of _knowing_ how well things turned out.

Josh is terrified of the unexpected; they're starting to become friendly with it, though.

"How did it go? Are you okay? What happened? Is it a happy cry?"

Josh laughs, sobs, grips his shirt tighter. "A-a happy cry, Ty. Such a happy cry."

Tyler breathes out of pure relief, smiling. "I fucking told you."

Josh nods, laughing another time. They sniffle then. "I know."

"What did they say?" Tyler wonders after a moment, suddenly becoming much more serious, and that's because he knows this is something that shouldn't be glossed over in any way. This is probably the biggest, toughest moment of Josh's life thus far.

Josh pulls away, bringing the both of them down onto the bed. "They said they've known." They admit.

Tyler furrows his eyebrows. "Oh?"

"Not-not that I'm gender-fluid, but that I'm not. . . A guy." Josh's Adam's apple bobs, fingers creeping up to hold Tyler's hand. They missed him. They always do. And it's stupid, immature, fucking pitiful, but they can't help it. "I didn't plan on telling them." They then add.

"What do you mean? Did they force you to say it? That shouldn't--"

"Listen to me for a second, tough guy." Josh smiles.

Tyler blinks a few times, probably still a little anxious to speak his mind after what just happened the last time. "Okay." He agrees, bringing their hand up to his mouth and kissing a couple knuckles.

Josh nods, in a haze. "When I got home. . . I, um, cried." They're still crying, slightly. Only one or two tears now falling every so often. It comes and goes, anyways. "Everyone came into my room and kept misgendering me and I just. . . I don't know. It usually doesn't bother me that much but for some reason everything was fucking horrible, and all I felt like doing was scream. So I _did_. I kept going until I passed out."

Tyler frowns. "Baby,"

Josh shakes their head, brushing it off. "When I woke up my mom and I talked, and before she left the room, she told me you've been trying to get to me so I checked my phone after a little while." Josh sighs at the thought, the anxiety they felt then-- not even very long ago-- rushing back. "When I saw your message saying you saw me reading the texts, I started freaking out. It wasn't me, I knew that, and I even asked my mom if she read them before she left my room, but she said no."

There's a guilt that washes Tyler's face but neither of them mention it.

"I ran downstairs and started screaming at her. I was so overwhelmed and I thought she lied to me. . . But then we figured out someone else read them." Josh tugs at Tyler's fingers mindlessly. "We figured out it was Jordan and it just kind of. . . Spiralled from there."

Jordan even pushed them to say it, and not in a crude way, either. It was supportive, encouraging now that they look back on it, and Josh definitely should have talked to him more before leaving.

They will when they get back home though, definitely. 

"I told them, and I talked to my mom and dad alone afterwards. Explained everything to them. And they didn't even hesitate to accept me, Tyler." Josh whispers. "I kind of feel like shit for not telling them sooner, now."

Tyler shakes his head, squeezing their hand. "Don't." He mutters. "I'm so fucking proud of you for telling them, angel. I know how scared you were, and it makes me so happy to know you finally did it." He grabs onto one of their thighs, carefully pulling them into his lap. "Don't feel bad you didn't do it sooner. These things take time. It isn't a bad thing, it's meant for your comfortability."

Josh listens, exhales, nods. They use their free hand to hold onto his cheek, slowly leaning forward and pressing their lips against his.

Two riptides creating a sea.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier." They utter.

Tyler kisses them another time. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable. I didn't mean to."

Josh traces their finger along the bridge of his nose, counting a few eyelashes, giving up easily. "I know, baby." They assure. "I'm going to work on managing myself better. I'm such a jackass."

Tyler smiles. "I like your jackass."

Josh hums. "I bet."

They sit there after that, staring back at one another, thriving from touch and certainty.

"You're the best person I know." Josh whispers.

Tyler kisses their thumb, rubbing his nose in circles against it. "You're so tiny." Tyler closes his eyes then, leaning against Josh, relishing in every beauty that is his partner. "The best person I know, and so tiny."

"Hold your tiny person, then. They're exhausted." Josh decides.

Tyler makes a sound from the back of his throat. "As long as my tiny person will tell me stories about our future to help me sleep. I need a nap, too. I've been sad without my tiny person."

"As long as the big person does the same."

Tyler smiles lazily. "You've got a deal, love."

Sure enough, the two of them end up cuddling in bed, sharing stories that dont exist, but they plan on changing that. An apartment would be fine, "but what about Jim?" Josh asks. Tyler runs his fingers in and out of those precious curls of theirs, other hand running down their side. "Then a small house." He says. "And an art room just for you. Plus a beanbag in the corner so I can watch you all day long."

"I'll paint you." Josh states.

"What color?"

"Yellow."

"Why?"

"Because it's the happiest color."

At the moment, Josh is the brightest shade of yellow, and they don't see that changing any time soon.

***

It takes time, much like everything does. Josh gets used to having to explain things when one of their siblings or parents say something that accidentally makes them uncomfortable, but it's healthy. They have to remind them most times of what the colors of their bandanas mean, but it's valid. They reassure them all that mistakes are okay, as long as they're then fixed, which is harder for them to grasp than their actual identity. 

It's good, though.

So much better than they could ever dream.

A few weeks later, after spending the weekend at Tyler's house, Josh gains enough courage to bring their dress home. They come back wearing it, dirtied boots on their feet paired with obnoxiously colored knee high socks as well as Tyler's sweater, and no one says a word. It's not from disgust, no, it's because everyone is now comfortable knowing _this_ is Josh.

At the end of that night, when Josh is about to go upstairs, Laura holds onto their hand and says, "You look pretty tonight."

Josh smiled.

Now though, it's been a while since then. Josh, Kelly, their dad, Jordan, and the rest of their siblings are at Tyler's basketball game. It's the last one of the season. Usually Josh is the only one to come, but because of how much everyone else misses out-- and especially because it will be the last time he plays at this highschool before graduation-- they're all here, except Laura.

She has work, but Josh is sure Tyler can forgive her for that.

It's going well, so well, in multiple ways, and after the first quarter, Bill leans over to Josh and elbows their arm.

Josh looks up at him with their eyebrows furrowed.

"This is his last game, shouldn't you be watching?" He wonders. It's not rude, only curious. It usually only ever is.

Josh smiles. "I've been to every single one of his games since freshman year, I think I'm alright." They assure, lifting their head to look at the score. The home team is winning, to no surprise. "Besides, I can multitask." They then add, focusing back on their sketchpad.

Bill simply chuckles, nodding.

He leaves Josh alone after that, cheering Tyler on throughout the game, catching up with Kelly when there's a break.

Josh just draws. It's normal. They've been working on their realism lately. Opposed to only drawing Tyler's hands, or his lips, or his nose, they're drawing a portrait. Surprisingly, they've never done one of him. They do little sketches of his body, but never in great detail.

They're drawing a picture of him they took.

Lips swollen, eyes hooded, lipstick marks all over his face and neck.

Josh is so concentrated they barely realize the game ending, but as soon as they take everything into account, they're handing all of their stuff to their dad and are sitting up in a flash. They scoot past everyone as quickly as possible, going down to the end of the bleachers and smiling wide when Tyler jogs over to them with the same expression.

In seconds, Josh is jumping into his arms. Limbs wrapped tightly around him, Tyler spins in circles a few times, sweating, panting.

Josh glances to score, then smiles even more. "Good job, baby."

Tyler helps Josh stand back on their own, cheeks so high. "It's because we had our goodluck charm."

Josh is pink. Pink in the cheeks, pink on the ears, pink on the wrist. "Shut up. Accept that you're the driving force and run with it."

Tyler hums. "Not possible."

They're staring at one another for a moment before leaning forward and kissing. It feels like no one's around them really, but once they pull back and see all the parents on the bleachers staring up at them, harsh eyes, they clear their throats and pull away. 

Everyone else comes to congratulate Tyler then. Kelly hugs him, Bill pats his back, Jordan, Ashley, and Abby all gush about how well he did. 

They look up to him, definitely. 

Once the gym starts starts clearing out, Dallon, once again, comes over to Tyler just like every other time. "Denny's?"

Tyler's hand is in Josh's. He shakes his head. "Can't. I'm going somewhere with my family tonight."

Dallon nods easily, it's called for. He may not completely understand the dynamic Tyler has with Josh's family, but he doesn't question it. He comes a little closer to give him a hug, patting Tyler's back a few times before pulling away. "You did good tonight. I'll miss playing with you, man."

Tyler smiles. "Just text me, we'll figure something out."

Dallon smiles as well. "You got it," he agrees. "See you Monday."

He walks away after that, with the rest of the team. Tyler turns back to face everyone then, still sweating, still riding on that final high. "Where are we eating? I'm starving."

"Olive Garden?" Kelly asks. 

Tyler frowns. "Mom, that's expensive, you don't have to--"

"It's a big night, Tyler. It's alright. Believe me." She assures.

She gets a sigh in return, and a nod. "Alright." He agrees. "I'll get changed and then we'll head out." He says nothing to Josh, only kissing the back of their hand and waking into the locker room afterwards in a hurry.

Josh won't follow him this time.

That would be weird considering their family is around.

In the meantime, Josh packs their things into their messenger bag, slinging the strap over their shoulder. And Bill, without a word, wraps an arm around their side, pulling them close. It's comforting. He runs a hand up and down their arm soothingly, talking to Kelly for the time being. 

Finally though, Jordan moves to stand beside Josh. "Your boyfriend's cool." Is what he says.

Josh smiles. "You say that every time."

Jordan shrugs. "It doesn't make it any less true."

"I know." Josh mutters. They close their eyes, leaning further into their father's side. "And I know he's cool; why do you think I'm dating him?"

"Personality, maybe?"

"Nah," Josh chuckles.

Jordan chuckles with them, and that's that. Well, at least Josh thought _that was that,_ but when Tyler comes back out, Jordan points at them, stating, "Josh says they're only dating you because you're cool."

Josh wants to say something back, but god, all they can do is smile. So big, so wide. It finally hit them after a while that things really are changing, but for the better. Even just thinking about it now makes their father's touch safer and their brother's words tremendously comforting. They end up saying nothing, simply letting their dad's arm slip away so they can walk over to Tyler.

They intertwine their fingers with his.

"Is it true?" He fake frowns.

"Totally." They mumble.

"Well that's a relief," Tyler exhales. "Because I'm dating you for the same reason."

Jordan laughs. "You two are so stupid." He comments. Really, he adores them. Even with Josh being out of the closet now, he still looks up to them, still respects them.

It's the only thing Josh can ever wish for.

"Let's get going already," Bill pipes up.

With that being said, they all leave. Josh rides with Kelly and Tyler, and everyone else goes with Bill. The wait at the restaurant is absolutely horrendous, but once they finally get their table-- more like tables considering they have to push two together to make room for all seven of them-- they look through the menu.

"What do you want?" Tyler wonders, head leaning on Josh's shoulder.

They open their mouth to answer, but Bill cuts in. "Let me guess," he starts.

Josh rolls their eyes, smirking.

"They want fettuccine alfredo, extra sauce, no chicken."

Josh is in heaven. They didn't even have to die to get here, either. It was a rough journey, full of insecurity and tears, but it's so worth it. Although it has been months to finally get to this point, where their family understands completely, knows what each bandana means opposed to having to ask, and using the right pronouns-- it's fine. Josh didn't expect this, anyways. Just them trying is enough, but each day, they continue to exceed their expectations.

"Am I right?" He wonders.

Josh smiles. "You know me so well."

Bill chuckles, nodding along. The happiness that fills his heart is obvious, and that's good. Josh tries their hardest to remind him as much as possible how good of a father he is, because it's the least he deserves after all that he has done for them.

They order after a while, and eat. Afterwards, once they're about to head home, Josh tilts their head at their father playfully. "Is it alright if I--"

"Go with them, Josh. I'll see you Sunday."

Their expression is bigger than a grin. "I love you."

"I love you most." He decides.

Josh can argue, go on and on about how there's no way that's possible, but they won't. They only cuddle up to Tyler's side and walk with him and Kelly to the car, and after just a few minutes of being snuggled with their boyfriend in the backseat, they fall asleep.

Though, they wake up once Tyler's holding them in his arms, walking into his bedroom. While he's laying them down against the sheets, Josh reaches up to touch his cheek, eyes barely open, teeth showing. "Did you hear them tonight?" They whisper.

Tyler smiles. "Yeah, baby. I did."

"That's the first time they've really used the right pronouns without having to ask. . ." They croak out, voice hoarse but full of content.

"I know." He brushes their hair out of their face like he usually does. It's romantic, perhaps. Or just sweet. "They love you so much." Tyler murmurs.

Josh could cry. "I know."

"I love you so much." He then adds, leaning forward until their lips meet. "The love of my life." He breathes against them. "I'm so happy for you, and so proud of how far you've come. I can't wait to watch you grow even more, and watch your family treat you like you deserve. It's so good, you're so good."

"Life's so good." Josh decides.

"Mhm," Tyler agrees. "Only because I have you, though."

"Only because I have you." Josh repeats, closing their eyes. "I'd be so lost without my knight in shining armor."

"I'm glad I'm here, then." Tyler replies. "I'll save you from the tower any time." 

Josh nods. "And I'll paint you yellow,"

"And we'll have a dog."

"His name's Jim."

"Mhm,"

"We'll have a small house, too."

"With an art room, just for you."

"Yes, and a beanbag in the corner so you can watch me."

"As long as you don't mind." Tyler whispers, kissing their chin, then jaw.

"I'll never mind." Josh mutters. 

"Good, because I'll never stop."

"And I'll never want you to stop."

There's some silence. "I'm gonna marry you one day." Tyler utters. He finally lays down onto the bed with Josh, holding their hand, kissing their skin, loving their body. Cherishing it no matter how it feels.

"I'll say yes." Josh assures. 

"As long as you wear whatever makes you the happiest down the aisle."

"I will," Josh says. "Because my dad will be there too, and he'll love me just the same. And my mom. And my siblings. But most importantly, you."

"I'll always love you." Tyler replies. "Whether you're pink, or green, or white, or blue, or purple. You're all mine, and whether you understand or not, I'm the luckiest man on earth." He lays his head onto Josh's chest, closing his eyes, absolutely exhausted. 

"I'm the luckiest." Josh whispers. "But I breathe for you, and kept going for the same reason."

"And I did the same." 

"So I guess it really is meant to be." Josh jokes, on the verge of sleep.

"I guess it is." Tyler murmurs. "Thank god."

Thank god indeed. Josh would be so lost without direction, and for them, that's Tyler. He held their hand when they had nowhere else to go, kissed their head when they felt lost, brushed their hair back so they could get a clear view of the good to come.

Without Tyler, Josh would still be pretending the bandanas around their wrist mean nothing, or that their feelings never change.

Tyler is light, a gift, unholy yet the opposite. Josh has never been closer to heaven unless they're with him.

But most importantly, Tyler is yellow, and now Josh is too.

It's just another color to add to the list.


End file.
